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New Toek: 
THE TRUTH SEEKER COMPANY, 

Sixty-two Vesey Street. 





POCKET THEOLOGY 



BY VOLTAIRE. 



New York: 
THE TEUTH 8EEKEE COMPANY, 

Sixty-two Vesey Street. 



Xl 



POCKET THEOLOGY. 

AARON. 

The high priest of the Hebrews, the worthy 
brother of Moses, and the perfect pattern of our 
modern priests. He caused his followers to wor- 
ship, and he himself worshiped, the golden calf, an 
example that has been pretty closely imitated by the 
majority of his sacerdotal successors, even down to 
the present day. For his want of faith he was for- 
bidden to see the Promised Land, which, probably, 
accounts for the slight faith of his successors in the 
promises of future bliss they so liberally hold out to 
believers. However, in spite of these drawbacks, 
God knew so well the value of a high priest that he 
showed himself deeply interested even with regard 
to the number of bells that he was to wear on his 
petticoats. This should teach us that nothing con- 
cerning his ministers is indifferent to God. 

ABBEYS. 

Sacred retreats from the corruptions of the world, 
built and endowed at divers periods of quickened 
faith by pious brigands, and destined to receive a 
certain number of very useful citizens and citizen- 
esses, who consecrated themselves to singing, eat- 
ing, and sleeping, all to the end that their fellow- 
citizens should succeed in their labors. 



4 POCKET THBOLO0T. 

ABBOT. 

A spiritual father, in the enjoyment of a tempo- 
ral income — attached to an abbey — on condition that 
he shall read his breviary, torment the monks, and 
go to law with them Every abbot in this world 
is not in the enjoyment of an abbey, though he 
would very mueh like to be so. A goodly number 
are only in the enjoyment of the right of going 
about dressed in black, wearing a linen band round 
their necks, and retailing items of the news of what 
is going on in the world. 

ABNEGATION. 

A Christian virtue ; the effect of divine grace. 
It consists in hating one's self ; detesting every 
species of pleasure ; avoiding everything that is 
pleasant and agreeable as if it were the plague it- 
self, all of which becomes quite easy if the subject 
has received a dose of grace sufficient to deprive him 
of his wits. 

ABRAHAM. 

The father of all the faithful. He lied, and was 
made a cuckold ; he pared off his foreskin, and, in a 
word, gave proof of so much faith that, had it not 
been for angelic intervention in the nick of time, he 
would have cut the throat of his own son, whom the 
Lord, in a jesting mood, had commanded him to 
sacrifice. God then made a covenant with him and 
with his seed forever ; but the Son of God after- 
wards annulled this treaty for some good reasons 
that his papa did not foresee when he made it. 



POCKET THEOLOOT. 5 

ABSOLUTION. 

The remission of the sins we have committed 
•gainst God. The priests of the Romish Church 
grant it to sinners in virtue of a blank from the 
divinity itself ; a most happy invention, well calcu- 
lated to reassure certain timorous rogues who might 
be inclined to feel remorse for their shortcomings 
did not the Mother Church thus take the trouble to 
set them entirely at their ease on that score. 

ABSTINENCE. 

A most pious practice which consists in depriving 
ourselves of the benefits of divine Providence, who 
created all good things to the sole end of preventing 
his creatures from enjoying them. Thus it is that 
by commanding us to abstain the Church merely 
remedies the too lavish goodness of God. 

ABSURDITIES. 

There can be none such in religion, which is the 
work of the Word, or the Divine Reason, which, as 
we all know, has nothing in common with human 
reason. It is only through wa^t of faith that incred- 
ulous persons fancy they can pferceive absurdities in 
Christianity, whence it results that a want of faith is 
the height of absurdity. The absurdities of the 
Christian belief disappear when its doctrines have 
been inculcated from earliest childhood and adhered 
to without doubt or question. The more absurd a 
thing may appear to the eyes of human reason, the 
more fit and proper does it appear to the eyes of 
divine reason, or, in other words, of religion. 



6 POCKET THEOLOGY. 

ABUSES. 

Abuses will here and there creep into the Church 
in spite of the divine vigilance. The only thing to 
be done in such cases is to reform such abuse or 
abuses when they have become too notorious to be 
any longer upheld. For the rest, it is only the 
incredulous who can detect such abuses, the eyes of 
believers being blind to them. 

ADAM. 

He was the first man. God created him a big 
booby, who, to please his wife, was stupid enough 
to devour an apple which his descendants have 
never since been able to digest. 

ADVENT. 

A time of fasting, mortification, and tears, during 
which all good Christians grieve and mourn over 
the near coming of their Savior. 

AGNUS DEL 

Small cakes of wax much revered by Roman 
Catholics, and blessed by the pope himself, conse- 
quently having received from the fountain-head the 
miraculous power of driving out devils, exorcising 
witchcraft, and stilling storms and tempests. This 
is why thunderbolts have never been known to fall 
in localities in possession of this blessed commodity. 

ALIENATION. 

The property of the Church cannot be alienated, 
the priests being but the guardians thereof, and God 



POCKET THBOLOGT. 7 

himself the proprietor. His ministers, therefore, 
have the power to alienate nothing, save and except 
their own wits and the wits of those who listen to 
their pious teachings. 

ALMS. 

A distribution of one's own possessions, or of 
somebody else's to the end of perpetuating the pious 
leisure of priests, monks, and other lazy folk who 
find it much more agreeable and convenient to pray 
than to work. 

ALTARS. 

God's tables, upon which he, disgusted with the 
meats formerly served up to him, now requires that 
his sacrificers shall serve up to him his own Son, of 
whom they (the sacrificers) likewise partake and 
cause others to partake. The sight of this deli- 
cate repast disarms the Eternal Father of his anger 
and inspires him with the friendliest sentiments for 
all who thus sit at his table and gobble up portions 
of his beloved Son under his very nose. 

The altar, in a figurative sense, is always opposed 
to the throne, which means that priests are often 
more cunning than potentates. In the meantime it 
is the custom, whenever the Church is attacked, to 
proclaim with a loud voice that both the altar and 
the throne are in danger. In this manner the 
Church is rendered interesting, and potentates are 
led to consider themselves as bound in honor to 
espouse her quarrels and to interest themselves in 
her affairs, even to the detriment of their own 
interests. 



9 POCKET THEOLOGY, 

ANATHEMA. 

A species of charitable curse launched by the 
ministers of a God of peace against all or any that 
displease them — devoting those to eternal torments 
for the good of their souls when they cannot get a 
chance of torturing their bodies. 

ANCHORITES* 

Very holy men, and justly held in esteem and 
veneration by the Church, who withdrew themselves 
from all commerce with the world, in the fear of 
incurring the misfortune of being of any good to it. 

ANGELS. 

The messengers of the celestial cabinet whom 
God dispatches to his favorites here below. With- 
out the angels, God would be obliged to do his 
own errands. Every Christian enjoys the privilege 
of having a guardian angel all to himself, who 
would prevent him from doing many foolish things 
were it not for the principle of man's free will, 
which cannot be set aside. Archangels are to 
angels what archbishops are to bishops : the Divin 
ity employs them on its most important missions. 

ANGER. 

A deadly sin in a layman, who should only get 
angry when the Church gets angry, because then it 
is God himself who gets angry. In truth, the God 
of all goodness is an angry God, whose beloved 
children are created in wrath. It is therefore mete 
and proper that the latter should get angry when li« 



POCKET THBOLOaT. 9 

is so himself, otherwise he might get angry if hii 
creatures were less angry than he. Priests are the 
surest thermometers of the divine wrath. 

ANN ATS (first fruits). 

Catholic sovereigns wisely allow a foreign priest 
to fleece the priests of their own states. Otherwise 
the latter could not, in their turn, exercise the 
divine right of fleecing their fellow-citizens. 

ANNUNCIATION. 

A visit of ceremony paid by a pure spirit to a vir- 
gin of Judea, accompanied with a pretty compli- 
ment. The result was a fine brat, as big as his papa, 
who has since made a certain noise in the world, 
and, there is room to hope, will make a great deal 
more if mankind continues to be as good and wise as 
it has been hitherto. 

ANTHROPOLOGY. 

A way of explaining themselves peculiar to our 
gacred writers, and which consists in endowing with 
eyes, hands, passions, and wicked malice the pure 
spirit that rules the universe. God created man in 
his own image, and the priests have made God in 
the image of the priests. This is, possibly, why we 
love them so. 

ANTILOGY. 

A theological term to designate the contradictions 
to be found from time to time in the Word of God. 
These contradictions are but apparent, of course, and 
none but stone-blind people ean detect them* Pe®^ 



10 POCKE'r THEOLOGY. 

pie of enlightened faith can perceive at once that 
God cannot contradict himself, unless, indeed, his 
ministers cause him to change his mind. 

ANTIPODES. 

To believe in the antipodes constitutes a wicked 
heresy. God, who made the world, ought to have 
known if there were such a thing, and it is evident 
from his books that he did not believe in it. 

ANTIQUITY 

Is infallible, and cannot err. Its antiquity is the 
indubitable proof of the soundness of an opinion, of 
a custom, or a ceremony. It is highly important to 
repulse and discourage all attempts at innovation. 
Old shoes are more commodious and easy to the feet 
than new ones. The clergy must never relinquish 
whatever they have hitherto practiced. The more 
ancient the church, the more prone is she to wander 
both in action and discourse. 

APOCALYPSE. 

A very curious and worthy book of Holy "Writ, 
commented by Newton, and containing a series of 
tales invented by St. John, of a rather less cheerful 
character than the fables of LaFontaine, but infinite- 
ly better calculated to stir the minds of the grown- 
up children who read them. During three centuries 
the Greek Church persisted in regarding the Apoca- 
lypse as an apocryphal book, but the Latin Fathers, 
much more knowing, have declared it sacred, thereby 
confirming its right of canonization. 



POCKET THEOLOGY. 1* 

APOSTLES. 

A dozen of knaves, as ignorant as owls and as poor 
as church mice, who composed the court of the Son 
of God here below, and were charged by him to teach 
the universe. Their successors have since risen in 
the world, thanks to theology, which their predeces- 
sors, the apostles, had not studied. For the rest, the 
clergy, like the aristocracy, is so constituted as to 
derive a greater degree of luster in proportion as 
they recede from their primitive origin, or the re- 
semblance between them and their predecessors 
fades away. 

APPARITIONS. 

Supernatural visions permitted to him or her gift- 
ed by God with the special grace of possessing a 
cracked brain, a hysterical temperament, a disordered 
digestion, but, above all, the art of lying with effront- 
ery. 

APPEAL. 

An impious custom, and offensive to the Church, 
wickedly established in certain countries, where the 
people have the temerity to appeal to profane judges 
against the decisions of saintly ones, who are, as it is 
well known, incapable of abusing their authority or 
ministry. 

APPELLANTS. 

These are, in France, the Jansenists who have ad- 
visedly appealed against the bull TTnigenitus to the 
future Council General which shall settle definitively 
all disputes touching divine grace. According to the 
latest news, this council will be held without fail on 
the eve of the Day of Judgment. 



12 POCKET THEOLOGY. 

ARCHBISHOP. 

A title unknown in the earlier centuries of the 
Church, but invented since by the humility of her 
pastors, who, after having raised themsehes up on 
the backs of the profane, endeavored to climb on 
each other's backs to see what was passing in the 
fold of the Lord. 

ARK OF GOD. 

The cash-box of the clergy. There is no joking 
with God touching this same cash-box of his spouse, 
which contains all the property and jewels of the 
community. Were it not for the faith that sustains 
them, princes, who are sometimes " hard up," might 
be tempted to lay hands on it. However, by going 
the right way about it, they might try the thing. 
God, who sometimes slumbers, might perhaps let 
them carry off the strong box without giving the 
alarm. 

ARMS. 

The clergy may not carry arms themselves, but, in 
case of need, may place them in the hands of laymen 
to do battle in the cause of Mother Church, who, at 
a safe distance, raises her pio^is hands to heaven to 
implore its aid in favor of those who are fighting for 
her divine rights or the gratification of her sacred 
whims. 

ARM (Secular). 

A monarch, a magistrate, a policeman, or a hang- 
man, to whom the Church, tender mother, may hand 
over any one of the children that offend her and 
whom she has not the heart to murder herself. 



POCKET THEOLOGY. IS 

ASSASSINATION. 

A'oase involving the criminal dock with regard to 
the laity, but privileged with regard to the clergy. 
In some countries the latter enjoy the right of thiev- 
ing and assassination in utter defiance of ordinary 
justice. Moreover, the Church enjoys by right divine 
the right of assassinating heretics, tyrants, and mis- 
creants, or at least of causing them to be assassinated 
by the laity, she herself abhorring bloodshed. 

ASSES. 

Long-eared animals, patient and humble, and the 
true models to be imitated by all good Christians, 
who, like them, must allow themselves to be saddled 
with their burdens and carry their cross. Jesus was 
mounted on an ass which did not belong to him 
when he entered into Jerusalem, by which action he 
intended to proclaim to all whom it might concern 
that the priests should thenceforward enjoy the 
right of riding on the backs of Christians to the end 
of all time. 

ATHEIST. 

A name given by theologians to whoever differs 
from them in their ideas concerning the divinity, or 
who refuses to believe in it in the form in which, in 
the emptiness of their infallible pates, they have 
resolved to present it to him. As a rule, an Atheist 
is any or every man who does not believe in the God 
of the priests. 

ATTRIBUTES (Divine). 

Incomprehensible qualities which, by dint of re- 
flecting on^ oar theologians have deoided can only 



14 POCKET THEOLOGY. 

belong to a being of whom they have not the least 
idea. These qualities seem incompatible to persons 
of weak faith, but are easily reconcilable to those who 
do not reflect about them. The negative attributes 
with which theology has endowed the Godhead 
clearly demonstrate that the divinity can have no 
possible resemblance to any being or thing we can 
possibly imagine. This is conclusive, and eminently 
calculated to settle our ideas on this point. 

AUGURS. 

How our modern augurs must enjoy themselves 
w^hen, glass in hand, they devise among them of the 
folly of all who are not, as they are, members of the 
college of augurs ! 

AUSTERITY. 

An ingenious means invented by perfected Chris- 
tians of rendering themselves agreeable in the sight 
of a God of infinite goodness by torturing themselves 
with fastings, flagellations, etc. God is, of course, 
always delighted with such like inventions in his 
honor on the part of his creatures. Austerities are, 
moreover, advantageous and profitable, inasmuch as 
tkey create an extreme wonder in those who are wit- 
nesses of these marvelous follies, while, on the other 
hand, the meek and pure of faith regard them as 
both wise and good. 

AUTHORITY (Ecclesiastical). 

A faculty enjoyed by God's ministers to oonyinoe 
as of the wisdom of their decisions, of the authen- 
ticity of their rights, and the soundness of their 
opinions by the help of prisons, soldiers, stakes, 
fagots, and lettres-de-cachet. 



POCKET THEOLOGY. 15 

AUTO-DA-Ffi. 

Abi act «t faith. A dainty feast offered to the 
Divinity from time to time, and which consisted of 
roastingj in great pomp, the bodies of Jews or here- 
tics for the salvation of their souls and the edifica- 
tion of the loekers-on. From this we may infer 
that the Father of Mercies has ever shown a marked 
taste for roasts and broils. 

AVARICE. 

A deadly sin m the laity, who should invariably 
Bhow themselves generous and open-handed towards 
Mother Church ; as for the latter, she may not emu- 
late them in this wise, inasmuch as her possessions 
all belong to her sj.»ouge, who might grumble and 
storm were she to show too much indulgence or 
generosity to such arrant rogues as they. 

AVE MARIA. 

An elegant and well-turned compliment paid by 
the angel Gabriel to the Virgin Mary, on the part of 
God the Father, on announcing to her that she was 
about to conceive of the Holy Ghost. Since her 
death, or her assumption, this virgin, it would seem, 
is always extremely gratified whenever any mention 
is made of this episode in her life, and which, for 
the rest, does her a great deal of cxedit. 

AZYMOUS (unleavened) BREAD. 

Once upon a time there arose in the Church an 
important dissension touching the preference given 
by God to leavened or unleavened bread as the agent 
of his transformation in the ceremony of the Mass. 



16 POCKET THEOLOGY, 

This great question, after having for a vast length 
of time divided the universe, is now happily settled, 
one portion of the Christians using leavened bread 
for the purpose, and the others azymous, or unleav- 
ened, bread. 

BABEL (Tower of). 

A parable of allegory, under which, to judge from 
all appearances, the Bible prophetically (designated 
theology, thereby giving to understand that all who 
raise themselves up to the Godhead and discuss 
among themselves of his essence and attributes will 
no more understand each other than a Hottentot 
would a Frenchman, a curate his bishop, or a Molin- 
ist a Jansenist. 

BALAAM. 

A false prophet whose ass, it is said, possessed the 
gift of speech. Strong-minded people, of course, 
will not believe this, notwithstanding the fact that 
this miracle has been perpetuated in the Church, 
where nothing is more ordinary than to see asses, 
both male and female, speak and even reason on 
questions of theology. 

BAPTISM. 

A sacrament absolutely indispensable to salvation. 
God will receive none into his glory unless once in 
their lives they have received a douche of cold water 
on the occiput. This water has the virtue of cleans- 
ing an infant of an enormous sin expiated by the 
Son of God and which had been committed but a 
few thousand years before the parents of the child 
dreamed of making him. 

BASTARDS. 
Scapegraces whose parents have not feed th« 



POCKET T&EOLOOT- 11 

Church to purchase the right of lying together. In 
accordance with the wise jurisdiction introduced by 
original sin, all such are denied the advantages 
enjoyed by those whose parents ?iave paid to lie 
together. 

BEADLE. 

A man in the service of the Church, and, like the 
priest, deriving a living from the altar. It is popu- 
larly believed that the beadle makes his soup with 
the consecrated bread. 

BEATIFICATION. 

A solemn act by which the l^oman pontiff, who 
receives the most authentic news from the other 
world, declares to the universe that some monk he 
never before heard of, enjoys eternal felicity, and has 
to be complimented accordingly. 

BELIEF. 
An unlimited confidence and faith in priests. A 
good Christian should believe all that he is told to 
believe, otherwise he is only good for the stake. If 
he objects that he has not been gifted with the 
grace to believe, burn him all the same, for by deny- 
ing him such grace the Divinity clearly demonstrates 
that he considers him as only fit to be made a bon- 
fire of to warm the faith in the hearts of his elect. 

BELLS. 

Noisy theological instruments, destined, like the 
priests, to deafen and bewilder the living, while 
calling upon the dead to " pay up " their debts to 
the Church. Bells are very good Christians, seeing 
that they are always baptized. We may even go so 



18 POCKET THEOLOOT. 

far as to assume that they keep their baptismal inno- 
cence pure and unspotted, which the generality of 
other Christians do not. 

BENCHES. 

Wooden seats upon which theologians rest their 
pious posteriors, and often throw at each other's 
heads in their friendly discussions on religion. 

BENEDICTIONS. 

Charms, sorceries, and magical ceremonies, by the 
aid of which the ministers of the most high, while 
holding up two fingers in space and mumbling 
divers holy conjurations, evoke the Almighty and 
prevail on him to turn on the tap of his grace on 
men and things here below, which above all fills even 
to overflowing the pockets of the clergy. Once a 
thing has been blessed it is sacred, it ceases to be 
profane, and thenceforward cannot be touched with- 
out sacrilege and profanation — crimes that deserve 
the stake. 

BENEFICES. 

Revenues attached to an ecclesiastical office and 
collected in the name of God by a member of the 
clergy, who, as soon as he has got them, possesses 
them by right divine, and consequently is under no 
obligation to anybody. A priest cannot possess 
more than one benefice, a rule of the Church which 
is, as we all know, one of the most strictly observed. 

BIBLE. 

A most sacred book, of divine inspiration, and 
containing all that a Christian should know and 
practice. It is not seemly that laymen should read 



POCKET THEOLOGY. 10 

It, as the word of God could not fail to do them 
harm. It is much wiser that the priests read it for 
them, they alone having stomachs vigorous enough 
to digest it. Laymen should be content with the 
products of the sacerdotal digestion. 

BLASPHEMIES. 

Words or discourses which attach to unknown 
objects ideas that are not fitting to them, or which 
deprive them of the idea that the priests have judged 
fitting to them. Whenee it results that to blas- 
pheme is to differ in opinion to the clergy, clearly 
one of the most horrible of crimes. 

BRAINS. 

A good Christian should have no brains, or at 
least the less he has of them the better. With the 
help of preceptors, confessors, and convents, Chris- 
tian parents can have the brains of their offspring 
reduced to the least volume. 

BREVIARY. 

A selection of prayers, in elegant Latin, that the 
priests, the bestowers of blessings, to gain their sal- 
ary, are obliged to recite every day, under pain of 
being useless to society. 

BROTHER. 

All men are brothers, that is to say, constantly 
quarreling among themselves about the inheritance 
left them by their father whose will, of meaning 
passably obscure in the origin, has been rendered a 
great deal more so by the theologians. 



so POCKET THEOLOGY. 

BISHOP. 

A word that signifies inspector. A priest who, 
like certain insects, possesses the faculty of repro- 
ducing and multiplying his species without the aid 
of a female. The episcopate is so heavy a burden 
that it is only with the greatest repugnance that a 
reverend will consent to undertake a charge which 
he has been begging for for years, notwithstanding. 

BLOOD. 

The Church abhors the sight of blood. She 
would faint at the sight of a single drop, but has no 
objection to its being shed in torrents by the magis- 
trate and the hangman, who are her surgeons-in- 
chief. 

BOOK OF LIFE. 

A little register of great brevity in which the 
Most High, to help his memory, writes down, or 
causes to be written by his chief secretary, the 
names of all those of his creatures who, in each suc- 
ceeding ce^itury here below, were lucky enough to 
satisfy him and do homage and honor to his priests. 

BOOKS. 

The Church needs no other books than those used 
in the choirs. Idiots may also be permitted to read 
the Imitation of Jesus Christ and their prayer 
books. All other species of literature should be 
burnt or placed in the libraries of convents and 
monasteries, where they can harm no one. 

BULLS. 

Strips of parchment invested with a leaden seal 
which the servant of the servants of God dispatches 



P0CK3ST THEOLOOT. f 1 

whenever there is question either of raising money 
or of exciting a religious fermentation in localities 
that may happen to be in need of exercise. Had it 
not been for the bull Unigenitus, France would 
have been plunged in the most frightful torpor. 

BURDEN. 

The burden of the Lord is light. The priests 
make us carry this burden for them, which prevents 
them from feeling the weight thereof, or rather, 
it is the priests themselves who, according to Jer- 
emy, are in reality the burden of the Lord, 

CALAMITIES. 

Sinister events permitted by the Divine Will to 
afflict humanity to the greater honor and profit of 
the priests. Nations, like individuals, are never 
so devout as when they are frightened or very mis- 
erable. In order that the clergy should have a real 
subject of satisfaction, calamities, especially those in 
the form of contagion, should happen a little more 
frequently than they do, for then they might fall 
into real good things, or at least have the pleasure of 
burying everybody. 

CALENDS (Greek). 

A certain period to which the faithful are referred 
by the priests for the verification of the efficacy of 
their breviary, the authenticity of their rights, and 
the utility of their lessons. 

CALUMNY. 

A most legitimate weapon piously employed by 
priests and other devotees, male and female, but 



22 POCKET THEOLOGY. 

especially female, against the enemies of their con- 
fessors and of the Church, and all to the greater 
honor and glory of the God of all truth. 

CANONICAL (books). 
All the books contained in the Bible and recog- 
nized by the Church, and which the priests have, 
with their own eyes, seen the Holy Spirit himseli 
write down. 

CANONIZATION. 

A solemn ceremony by which the holy Father, 
induced by the miracles worked by some holy men, 
dead and buried a hundred years ago, or by the 
money of those interested in his reputation, notifies 
all whom it may concern that this same man is in 
Paradise, that the faithful may, in all security, 
burn candles in his honor, and give the wherewithal to 
the monks to " liquor up " to the same effect. 

CANONS. 

Rules and decisions by which the bishops, assem- 
bled in council, fix for the time being the immutable 
dogmas of the faith, the discipline of the Church, 
explain, revise, and correct the word of God, create 
titles and incontestable rights for themselves, curse 
all who dare to call such in question, and meet with 
the promptest obedience when the cannons of princes 
come to the aid of the canons of the Church. 

CAPUCHIN (friar). 

A two-legged he-goat, laden with ignorance, filtn, 
and vermin, who sings through his nose inside of his 
monastery and shows himself abroad to the edifica- 
tion of old women and the terror of little children. 



POCKET THEOLOGY. S8 

CARDINAL. 

A priest who is scarlet from head to foot, and 
who, by virtue of a pope's brief, becomes the equal 
of kings and withdraws himself from the jurisdic- 
tion of the latter, except in cases where there are 
questions of receiving favors from their hands, 
which favors he only accepts from pure civility. 
Cardinals are clothed in red, or flame color, to keep 
for ever before their eyes the blood that must be 
shed for the good of the Church and the fagots 
that must be lighted for the maintenance of the 
faith. 

CARMELITES. 

An order of monks who, by special grace, are 
gifted with unknown talents which they would make 
known if the faith had not declined on the earth, 

CARNAL. 

That which is not spiritual. Carnal men are 
those who have not mind enough to appreciate spir- 
itual benefits, for which they are told to renounce 
earthly happiness. As a rule, carnal men are all 
who have the misfortune to be made of flesh and 
blood, and are gifted with common sense. 

CASUISTS. 

Spiritual mathematicians who have contrived to 
calculate and reduce to equations the sins that a good 
Christian may commit without making the Divinity 
*oo mad with him. 

CATECHISM. 

A collection of pious, intelligible, and necessary 
instructions that priests take care to inculcate into 
little Christians to the end that they may talk non- 
sense and rave for the rest of their lives. 



24 POCKET THEOLOGY. 

CATHOLIC. 

Signifies universal. The Catholic, or universal. 
Church is the church of which at least three quarters 
and a half of the human race have never yet heard 
mention and whose ministers, by a special gift of 
grace, seldom or never agree among themselves, a 
clear proof that the truths they proclaim were not 
concerted by them and agreed upon beforehand. 

CAUSE (of God) 

Is the cause of the priests, who, as we all know, 
are his advocates and stewards ; but who, it would 
seem, have but very seldom received from him full 
powers to transact his business with mildness or 
gentleness. 

CAUSES (final). 

Theologians are the confidants of the Most High ; 
they know the motives of all his actions, and assure 
us that if there are plagues, wars, famines, mosqui- 
toes, bed-bugs, and theological bickerings here be- 
low it is even for the greater good and well-being of 
mankind. Any way, it is quite sure that whatever 
happens in this world invariably turns to the greater 
advantage and profit of the priests, God, in all 
his works, having in view the benefit of none other 
than of his clergy. 

CELIBACY. 

A correction wisely made by the Romish Church 
to the command given by God himself to the human 
race to increase and multiply. Thus, a sincere 
Christian ought not to marry. As for the priests, 
they need no wives, the laity having a number suf- 
Eeient for both, A married prieit woxdd run the 



POOKBT THEOtOQT. 25 

risk of having interests in common with his fellow- 
citizens, a state of things not at all in keeping with 
the profound and sacred views of the Holy Catholic 
Church, apostolic and Roman. 

CEMETERIES. 
Consecrated grounds blessed by the Church, and 
in which, till the resurrection of the dead, she per- 
mits her dead children to rot in the open air when 

they have not money enough to buy the right to rot 
in a mausoleum and to infect the living. As the 
rich but seldom go to heaven, it is only civil to lodge 
them, if they pay, while awaiting the Day of Judg- 
ment. 

CENOBITES. 

Monks who live in company that they may the 
more effectually enrage and make each other mad, 
thereby attaining to the kingdom of heaven, which 
is only to be attained by those who are very mad 
indeed here below. 

CENSER. 

A sacred pan in which perfumes are burned to 
regale the nostrils of the Most High. The priests 
are the privileged perfumers. " To put one's hand 
in the censer " is a pure metaphor which designates 
the detestable crime of which a prince or magistrate 
would be guilty by impertinently poking his nose 
into priestly affairs before being invited to do so. 

CENSURE. 
A stigmatizing gratification bestowed by theolo- 
gians on persons or books that may happen to disa- 
gree with them, the theologians, or their infallible 
ideas. We do not suppose for a moment that thia 
little dictionary will fall under such censure. 



»0 POCKET THEOLOGT. 

CEREMO]SnES. 

Movements of the body wisely ordained by the 
priests to the end of being agreeable to G-od. These 
ceremonies are of so much importance that it would 
be better for a nation to perish by fire and sworci 
than to omit or change a single one, 

CERTITUDE. 

The evidence of the fact that the anointed of the 
Lord can neither delude themselves nor others ; 
hence it is that theological certitude is much better 
founded than physical certitude, which has no other 
vouchers than our senses, which are liable to deceive 

QS. 

CHAIR (holy). 

A species of night-stool upon which a newly- 
elected pope places his reverend posterior to the end 
of having his sex verified and thus avoiding the 
embarrassments that might accrue to the Church 
should she unwittingly elect a popess. 

CHANT. 
The Most High has a decided taste for vocal 
music, provided it be lugubrious and gloomy 
enough. Hence it is that Christians spend so much 
of their wealth to have bawled into his ears night 
and day psalmodies which sound to profane ears aa 
of a most harassing and aggravating character. 

CHARITY 

Is the greatest of all the Christian virtues, and 
consists in loving with our whole hearts a God with 
whom we have but the very slightest acquaintance, 
•r his priests, with whom we are very well ao- 



POCKET THEOLOGY. 27 

quainted indeed. It moreover requires ns to love 
our neighbor as ourselves, that is, provided he loves 
God and his priests and is beloved by them, other- 
wise it is charity to murder him. But the most 
genuine and efficacious charity is that which greases 
the paws of the priests ; such charity cover eth a 
multitude of sins. 

CHASTITY. 

A virtue most piously observed by the priests, 
monks, and monkesses in Italy, Spain, and Portugal. 
The vows they pronounce extinguish in them for- 
ever the promptings of the flesh to which their pro- 
fane fellows are subject. 

CHRISM. 
A mixture of balm and oil. Bewitched by a 
bishop, it is endowed with the power of calling 
down the divine grace and of greasing any Christian 
hide that may have become too hard. 

CHRISTIAN. 

A good-natured, simple fellow ; a true lamb of 
the fold, who, in the innocence of his heart, per- 
suades himself that he firmly believes unbelievable 
things that his priests have told him to believe, 
especially thofie he cannot even imagine. Conse- 
quently he is convinced that three x^s make fifteen, 
that God was made man, that he was hanged and 
rose to life again, that priests cannot lie, and that 
all who do not believe in priests will be damned 
without remission. 

CHRISTIANITY. 

A religious system attributed to Jesus Christ, but 
really invented by Plato, improved by St. Paul, and 



88 POCKET THEOLOGY. 

finally revised and corrected by the Fathers, the 
councils, and other interpreters of the Church. 
Since the foundation of this sublime creed, mankind 
has become better, wiser, and happier than before. 
From that blessed epoch the world was forever freed 
from all strife, dissensions, troubles, vices, and evils 
of every kind, an invincible proof that Christianity 
is divine, and that it is to be possessed of the very 
devil himself to dare to combat such a creed or 
doubt its origin, 

CHRONOLOGY. 

The Holy Spirit has fixed in Scripture the precise 
peiiod of the creation of the world, but the Holy 
Spirit contradicts himself on this head when he 
speaks in Hebrew, in Greek, or in Latin. This he 
does with premeditation, to exercise our faith, and 
to amuse Messrs. Souciet and Newton. 

CHURCH. 

In other words, the clergy. Now, this same 
clergy is the spouse of Christ. It is she who wears 
the breeches ; her husband being a good-natured, 
easy-going fellow who, for the sake of peace, never 
interferes with her or contradicts her in anything. 
And, to tell the truth, the good lady is not easy to 
manage, for sometimes she treats those of her chil- 
dren who rebel with so much harshness as would 
cause her spouse to remonstrate could he have his 
say in the matter. 

CIRCUMCISION. 

The Most High, as we all know, is subject to 
whimsical fancies now and then, and so it happened 
that once upon a time he required that all his friends 



POCKET THEOLOOY. S9 

should pare off their foreskins. His own son sub- 
mitted to this delectable ceremony. Since then, 
however, his papa has softened somewhat, and no 
longer lays claim to the foreskins of his friends, but 
only requires that they shall never use them. 

CLERGY. 

The first and most important of all corporations 
in any well-policied state. They are destined by 
God himself to the fulfilling of the noblest and most 
excellent functions, which chiefly consist in chant- 
ing, selling songs, and demanding a very high price 
for their celestial harmonies. The word clergy 
signifies inheritance or portion. If the clergy are so 
rich, it is simply because they are the heirs of Jesus 
Christ, who left, as we all know, a very large estate. 

CLERGYMAN. 

A generic title under which is designated any 
Christian who consecrates himself to the service of 
€k)d, or who feels himself called upon to live with- 
out working at the expense of the rascals who work 
to live. 

CLOUDS. 

We can see anything we like in them, but espe- 
cially signs and tokens of warfare when the priest- 
hood is wrathy. Clouds are like holy writ, in which 
theologians cause the faithful or the crazy to see 
anything they please. 

COADJUTORS. 

When a bishop — who, in the eyes of miscreants, 
seems to have little or nothing to do — ^bows down 
beneath the weight of the arduous functions of his 
holy ministry, a coadjutor, is given him to aid and 



30 POCKET THEOLOGY. 

relieve him, and then the flock are in the enjoyment 
of two shepherds instead of one, and consequently 
so well guarded that the devil dares no longer prowl 
around the fold. 

COMEDIANS. 

Folks who pursue an abominable calling, and 
who, for good reasons, are highly displeasing in the 
sight of the ministers of the Lord. They are pro- 
scribed and excommunicated in France, a most 
Christian country, where priests possess, by divine 
right, the exclusive privilege of acting plays. 

COMMENTATORS. 

Learned doctors who, by dint of torturing their 
brains, once in a while contrive to make the words 
of holy writ agree with common sense, or devise 
ways of enunciating them in such shape as to lighten 
the burden of faith. 

COMMERCE 

Is forbidden priests and monks, who may, however, 
deal in certain rare and costly goods which they 
import from the other world. The profits they 
derive in France from this trade hardly attain the 
sum of one hundred millions per year. Jesus Christ 
erewhile drove the merchants from the temple ; 
these latter were, to judge from appearances, lay- 
men traders, to whom he wished to make known the 
fact that the ministers of God alone have the right 
of turning his house into a bazaar. 

COMMUNION. 

A spiritual banquet, at which is served a ll|flit 
sort of food fitted for the nourishment of j^-mmt. 



POCKET THEOLOGY. tl 

Christian souls, but very heavy on the stomachs of 
such as are wanting in faith. 

COMPANY (of Jesus). 

A company of spiritual grenadiers of which Jesus 
Christ is captain. They create disturbance wherever 
they go, and are much more favorably inclined to 
little boys than they are to women. 

COMPULSION. 

A most polite and pressing form of appeal to all 
who are wanting in faith, invented and made fash- 
ionable by Christianity. It compels us to enter or 
re-enter in.to the ways of salvation by imprisonment, 
tortures, and even cannon-balls when these latter 
happen to be handy. 

CONCLAVE. 

A place in which assemble the cardinals of the 
most holy Catholic Church whenever there is ques- 
tion of electing an infallible vicar of Jesus Christ. 
The Holy Spirit never fails to be present at these 
gatherings, which is probably the reason why 
conclaves have never been known to make a doubtful 
choice. 

CONCORD 

Reigns ever in the midst of Christians, and espe- 
cially in the midst of their theologians. The most 
irrefragable proof of the divine origin of Christian- 
ity is the unalterable concord that subsists among 
its followers, which is a miracle that confounds the 
human reason. 

CONCORDAT. 

An agreement come to between a pope and a most 



82 POCKET THEOLOGY. 

Christian king, by which both one and the other 
dispose of things to which they never had the slight- 
est claim. 

CONCUPISCENCE. 

This word, which may sound immodest and inde- 
cent to delicate ears, is, nevertheless, a theological 
word, and therefore can have nothing indecent 
attached to it. It means that cursed attraction that, 
since Adam's fall, men have yielded to for all that 
is capable of gratifying them or giving them 
pleasure. 

CONFESSION (auricular). 

An invention very profitable to the faithful anct 
convenient to the priests of the Romish Church. 
By its means they make themselves acquainted with 
family secrets, extort money from the timorous, 
engender domestic quarrels, and, if necessary, light 
up the flames of holy revolutions. The Church is 
deprived of the greater portion of the above-named 
advantages in countries where the people refuse to 
confess. 

CONFESSOR. 

A priest who has received powers from a bishop, 
that is to say, to whom God himself has transmitted 
a power of attorney in good form, to listen to the 
peccadilloes which, in spite of his omniscience, God 
requires should be unfolded to him, without which 
he would not know what to think about the con- 
science of him or her who is confessing to the 
minister. 

CONFIRMATION. 

A sacrament or holy ceremony which consists in 
smearing the forehead and boxing the ears of & 



POCKET THEOLOGY, 3S 

young rogue, thereby, it is supposed, rendering him 
evermore firm as adamant in the faith. 

CONSCIENCE 

Is the judgment that we bear within ourselves of 
our own actions. With the profane, conscience is 
guided by reason ; with the Christian it is regulated 
by faith, zeal, and the submission that is due to our 
reverend pastors. Consequently the conscience of a 
believer must often compel him to malice — even to 
the overthrow of society, if need be. 

CONSECRATION. 

A series of magical words by the help of which a 
Romish priest has the power of compelling the God 
of the universe to quit his own breakfast and come 
down and be changed into bread himself to break 
the fast of the faithful. 

CONSOLATIONS. 

The Christian religion has provided infinite oon- 
solations for her children. She consoles them for 
the ills and tribulations of this perishable life by 
teaching them that their God is a God of goodness, 
who chastises them for their greater good here 
below, and, by the effect of his divine love, may 
take a whim to roast them brown in the next world, 
which must be a very consoling thought for chilly 
persons. 

CONTEMPLATION. 

A most profitable and pious occupation for those 
who have nothing else to do. It is clear that nothing 
could be more agreeable to God than the pious rev- 
eries of his elect, and that human societ;^ at large 



84 POCKET THEOLOOT. 

draws the greatest profit and advantages from tht 
same. 

CONTRITION. 

A theological term which signifies the regret felt 
by a Christian for the sins he has committed, with 
an eye to the chastisement that may follow them. 
This regret, according to the Jesuits, suffices to ap- 
pease God, but the Jansenists deny this. God him- 
self will doubtless some day show us which of these 
is right. 

CONTROVERSIES. 

Important bickerings on contested subjects be- 
tween theologians of different sects. Carnal men 
regard such disputes as trifles quite unworthy of 
occupying the attention of intelligent animals. In 
reality, all such quarrels are most useful to the 
Church militant to give her breathing time and to 
keep alive the fire of holy animosities, that bring so 
mMch honor and profit to the clergy. 

CONVENT. 

A holy place within which are confined, under 
lock and key, any number of volumes of commen- 
taries, syllogisms, casuistry, and theology. 

CONVERSIONS. 
A miraculous change m the human heart due to 
the grace of the Most High, but of which society 
here below usually reaps the fruits. Conversion 
compels an old coquette to abandon her rouge-pot, 
transforms an amiable and lovely woman into a 
vixen, changes a gentleman and a man of the world 
into a solemn owl, and finally induces a financier, on 
his deathbed, to bequeath all his possessions to the 



POCKET THEOLOGY. M 

Church for the repose of his own soul and the saWa- 
tion of the souls of those he has despoiled, in sheer 
despair at not being able to take with him into the 
tomb the fruits of his robberies and rapine. 

CORDELIERS (grey friars). 

Mendicant friars who for five hundred years have 
edified the Church of God by their temperance, their 
chastity, and their fine speeches. They possess 
nothing of their own, their soup itself, as it is well 
known, belonging to his holiness the pope. 

CORRECTION (fraternal). 

In the Christian religion, each one should meddle 
with the conscience of his neighbor and take a lively 
interest in the salvation of his (his neighbor's) soul ; 
should reprimand him for his faults ; but, above all, 
should endeavor to make him renounce his errors. 
If he show not a proper docility with regard to such 
efforts, then he should be hated and shunned, or 
tortured and murdered, if might be on the Chris- 
tian's side. 

couNciLa 

Solemn gatherings of bishops, assembled together 
to concert with the Holy Spirit (who is ever on the 
side of the stronger) touching the dogmas and all 
necessary arrangements of the Church. Councils 
are necessary to correct, explain, and alter the holy 
scripture and the accepted doctrine, and to fix for 
the time being the articles of faith, without which 
the human race would be damned. 

COURT. 
Were it not for kingly courts little prosperity 



36 POCKET THEOLOOT. 

could be hoped for by the Church, and the Holy 
Ghost would be docked of one wing. It is in these 
that all questions of orthodoxy are decided finally 
and without appeal. Heretics are those whose 
opinions do not side with those of a court. The 
divinities here below usually govern the destinies of 
the divinities above. Had it not been for Constan- 
tine, Jesus Christ would have been of little or no 
account on the earth. 

COWL. 

A piece of woolen stuff designed to cover the nape 
of the neck and the science contained in a friar's 
noddle. The form of this sacred gew-gaw has been 
the pretext for some of the bloodiest dissensions in 
the Church, resulting in the burning at the stake of 
several hundreds of cowled monks. 

CREATION. 

An inconceivable act of the Almighty, who, out 
of nothing, has made all that our eyes can contem- 
plate. Atheists deny the possibility of the fact, but 
these are wanting in faith. Theologians are daily 
proving to us that the least thing in the world would 
suffice to set the globe on fire. The Church is daily 
proving to us that out of nothing she can coin gold 
and silver, and it is incontestable that her priests 
divide with the Most High the power of creating, 
for is it not well known that the priest Needham 
recently created eels ? 

CREDIBILITY. 
According to theologians, motives of credibility 
are convincing reasons or plain proofs that compel 
QS to believe any given thing. In religion, the 



POCKET THEOLoarr BT 

motives that compel us to believe are, the word of 
our pastor, ignorance, customs, but above all and 
before all, the fear of getting ourselves into trouble. 

CREDULITY. 

All pious Christians should cultivate that happy 
simplicity of the heart which disposes them to credit 
the most incredible things on the authority of their 
spiritual guides. These latter are of course incapa- 
ble of deceiving themselves, and much less of 
deceiving others. 

CRIMES. 

In reliafion this term does not mean actions hurtful 
to society at large, but actions that are hurtful to 
the clergy. The greatest of all crimes is to be want- 
ing in faith and in trust in that body, to question its 
opinions, to rob its churches, and to disdain its holy 
things. All and each of these crimes are punishable 
with fire in this world or the next. 

CROSIER. 

The augural staff of the ancient Romans, which, 
in certain ceremonies of the more modern Romish 
(yhurch, is borne by the bishops and the privileged 
abbots. It is a symbol and a sign to all good Chris- 
tians that they are but sheep and have nothing bet- 
ter to do than allow themselves to be shorn by these 
reverend shepherds. 

CROSS. 

The sign and standard of salvation. It is com- 
posed of two staves of wood, crossed, and represents 
l^e gibbet upon which the Godhead was hanged. 
Servants of the Lord, like brother John of Auto- 



88 POCKET THEOLOGY. 

mures, use it to chatise rogues who pillage their 
orchards. To bear one's cross is to fret and worry- 
one's self with pious peevishness, to worry and tor- 
ment ourselves when we have nothing else to do, 
and to worry and torment our neighbors to the end 
that they may the more surely obtain the kingdom 
of heaven. 

CRUELTY. 

A troublesome disposition for the conduct of the 
affairs of every-day life, but very necessary for the 
maintenance of the faith. Humanity is out of sea- 
son when either the divinity or his divine ministers 
are in question. 

CRUSADES. 

Pious expeditions ordained by the popes to clear 
Europe of a multitude of villainous bigots, who, to 
obtain from neaven the remission of the crimes they 
had committed at home, went valiantly and commit- 
ted others against their neighbors. 

CURIOSITY. 
An exceedingly great sin. God once condemned to 
death the whole human race for the sin of curiosity 
on the part of a woman who wanted to know the 
difference between good and evil; which proves that 
he is highly displeased with us if we happen to have 
a little common sense or may desire to know any- 
thing that it pleases his ministers we should not 

know. 

DAMNATION. 

We are bound to believe, under pain of being 
damned, that the God of all mercy, to teach sinners 
how to live after their death, and to chastise those 
that are living who are blind, damns to all eternity 



POCKET THEOLOOTr 8» 

the greater portion of mankind for venial faults, and 
that by a special miracle of his divine love he causes 
them to endure everlastingly that he may everlast- 
ingly torture them. The Church, like God, has the 
right to damn. There are even those who believe 
that, were it not foj the Church, the Most High 
would damn nobody, and that he only does so to 
cheer and enliven his spouse. 

DATARY'S OFFICE. 

A sacred office in Rome, where, for payment, are 
distributed benefices, dispensations, and graces of the 
Holy Ghost, and eyen the right of committing sins. 

One of the greatest saints in heaven, and a real 
pattern for kings. A rebel, a rake, and an adulterer, 
he lay with the wives and murdered the husbands, 
but was withal very pious and submissive to the 
priests, for which reasons they proclaimed him to be 
a man after God's own heart. God himself, even in 
these days, is never better pleased than when 
hearing repeated to him the vaudevilles composed 
by this most holy man. 

DEATH 

Is the penalty of sin, but had it not been for the 
sin of Adam, the human race would not die, trees 
would not die, dogs would not die. All trees have 
sinned in the person of the tree which bore the for- 
bidden fruit; all brutes have sinned in the person of 
the serpent that beguiled Eve; all men have sinned 
in the person of Adam, and this is why all men, all 
brutes, and all plants are subject to death. Let as 
take comfort, however; for to all Christians death is 



40 POCKET THEOLOGT. 

but the entrance into life, and moreover procures a 
good living for our sacrificers, who contrive to make 
as much profit out of the dead as the living. The 
stench of a corpse has the strongest attractions for 
reverend crows and pious cormorants. 

DEICIDE. 

A crime committed by the Jews when they put to 
death a God whom they had not wit enough to dis- 
cover under the form of a red-headed Jew, who thus 
deceived them to the end of punishing them after- 
wards for having been deceived. 

DEISM. 

An impious system, which supports a too reason- 
able God, who requires nothing more of men than 
that they shall be good and true, and asks from them 
neither faith nor worship nor vain ceremonies. It is 
evident that such a system is absurd and in no man- 
ner suitable for the clergy ; a like religion could 
have no need of priests, which would be most dam- 
aging to theology. 

DELUGE. 

A paternal chastisement inflicted on the human 
race by Divine Providence, who, through not having 
foreseen the malice and wickedness of men, repented 
of having made them, and drowned them once for 
all to make them better — an act which, as we all 
know, was attended with the greatest success. 

DEPOSITION. 

Bishops alone have the right of judging and de- 
posing a bishop. No sovereign, without being guilty 
of sacrilege, can exercise such right. From the timt 



POCKET THEOLOGY. 41 

when Samuel deposed King Saul, bishops have en- 
joyed the right of deposing kings; whence it will be 
seen that it was quite legally that the bishops de- 
posed Louis the Good at the Council of Soissons, and 
that the pope has a right to depose kings. 

DEVIL. 

The black sheep of the heavenly hosts, and the 
main prop of the Church. God, with a single word, 
could annihilate him, but is very careful not to do 
so ; he stands too much in need of him himself for 
his own purposes, and therefore leaves him at large, 
and endures patiently all the tricks he is daily and 
hourly playing upon him, his wife, and his children. 
Without the devil, God Tfould cut but a sorry 
figure at best. The love of God is frequently but 
the fear of the devil, and without that fear it might 
happen that a goodly number of the devout would 
never think of God or his priests at all. 

DEVOTION. 

A pious devotedness to priests, or a holy exacti- 
tude in fulfilling the duties laid down by them. 
Devout people — in other words. Christians — ^being 
duly permeated and imbued with these elevated 
sentiments, have the advantage of being flat, weari- 
Eome, insipid, unsociable, and therefore fit to be 
taken to the realms above with the greatest possible 
dispatch. Female devotees are pious prudes, who 
work most efficaciously for the salvation of all who 
approach them by inspiring them with holy disgust 
for them and all their surroundings. 



42 POCKET THEOLOGY. 

DIGNITARIES. 

Worldly titles awarded by the religion of the God 
of humility to his humble ministers who no longer 
think fit to remain in the poverty-stricken condi- 
tion in which he himself remained during his stay 
here below. 

DIRECTOR. 

A holy, stiff-necked man, withal generally glut- 
tonous, whose functions are to introduce himself 
into the bosom of families to the end of exciting do- 
mestic quarrels, getting the children and the ser- 
vants reprimanded, and turning crazy the brains of 
his devotees, the surer to guide them in the ways 
of salvation. 

DISCIPLINE. 

Salutary rules and arrangements which the minis- 
ters of God judge suitable to their interests, and 
which they change at will in conformity with the 
immutable decrees of the Godhead. This word also 
designates an instrument of cord or wire, which doei 
great good to the soul when applied to the body. 

DltePENSATIOK 

A permission to do evil accorded by the pope or 
the bishops for payment in hard cash. By virtue of 
such dispensation what was before illegal and criminal 
becomes legal and sinless, seeing that the products 
of the sale go to increase the funds in the cash-box 
of the Eternal Father & Co. 

DISPUTES. 

Interesting and edifying debates that frequently 
arise among the infallible interpreters of the word of 



POCKET THEOLOGY. 48 

God, who, for the greater good of his church, has 
not judged it expedient too express himself too explic- 
itly for fear, his dear ministers should then have 
nothing to quarrel about. 

DIVORCE 
Is absolutely forbidden Catholic Christians, with 
whom marriage is indissoluble. The result is, of 
course, highly beneficial to certain married couples 
who cannot agree, for thus they are enabled to tor- 
ment each other for the whole length of their lives, 
and to obtain the kingdom of heaven. Divorce is 
only permitted to bishops, who may at their pleasure 
exchange a poor and homely wife for a rich and 
pretty one. 

DOCTRINE. 

What every good Christian must believe, under 
pain of being burnt either in this world or the next. 
The dogmas of religion are the immutable decrees 
of God, and cannot change except when the Church 
changes them. 

DOMINANT. 

The dominant religion is that of a prince who, 
with the help of fire and sword, proves incontrovert- 
ibly to the other religions of his kingdom that they 
are wrong and that his confessor is right, and that 
it is his (the prince's) councils that must regulate 
creed or faith. 

DOMINATION (spirit of). 

Ambition, or the desire to domineer, is happily a 
passion quite foreign to the breasts of the ministers 
of the gospel; their empire is not of this world; it is 
wholly spiritual ; content with their rule over the 
mind, they have no fear that the body, which is but 



44 POCKET THEOLOGY. 

the sheatk of the mind, will ever refuse to bend to 

their sacred will. 

DONATIONS. 

Presents which the Church, in her kindness for 
her children, consents to receive from the profane. 
All that is given to God belongs to the clergy. 
Duleunt Domino et exit sacerdotis. 

DRAGOONS. 

Most orthodox missionaries sent by the court of 
Versailles to the Huguenots (French Protestants) to 
argue with them on transubstantiation, to lead them 
back to the bosom of the Church, and to prove to 
them that the pope is the confessor of the king, and 
cannot err. 

DUTIES. 

Duties, in religion, are those that are founded on 
the relations that exist between men and their 
priests, and it i» therefore the priests alone who can 
claim to define the duties of a good Christian. 
These consist in praying long and fervently, in 
listening to what they do not understand, and, above 
all, in paying with a generous hand the ministers of 
the Lord. 

DYING (the). 

If the dying have ceased to be of much ac- 
count to society in general, they are of very much 
account still to the Church in particular, who causes 
them to give with a liberal hand that which they 
cannot take with them. It is beside the death-bed 
that the priest is in his glory; at such moments it 
sometimes happens that even Infidels acknowledge 
their errors and give in to arguments that fear and 
weakness of body and mind cause them to regard as 



POCKET THEOLOGY. 46 

unanswerable. The truths of religion are never so 
well understood as by those who have lost the power 
of reasoning. He need care for nothing else. It is be- 
side the bed of the dying that sao*^rdotal stoicism 
shines with its purest rays. 

EARS. 
Organs with which a good Christian should be 
well provided, seeing that faith enters into us 
through the ears, ^' fides ex audP.Uy'' as St. Paul says. 
(See Asses, Education, Parrots.) 

EASTER. 
A solemn feast clandestinely celebrated by Chris- 
tians in rememorance of the resurrection of a God 
who was publicly hanged. To the end of celebrat- 
ing this great day with all due honor, the Christians 
eat their God, doubtless to ascertain if, like the 
Phcenix, he will spring into new life from that which 
has devoured him. Once upon a time the members 
of the Church of God engaged together in hot dis- 
pute touching the precise period of the year at 
which the feast of Easter should be celebrated. A 
most grave and reverend council decided that the 
equinoctial moon of spring should regulate this im- 
portant piece of business, a fact which clearly dem- 
onstrates that the Church, like the rest of her sex, is 
" subject to the changes of the moon." 

ECSTACY. 

A holy state of syncope, during which pious per- 
sons are allowed to dream dreams and see visions. 
Persons who are subject to falling into such a state 
are as a rule either rogues or fools, and sometimes a 
happy mixture of both. 



4t POCKBT THBOLOOT. 

EDIFICATION. 

To edify a person is to fortify in him by precept 
and example the pious respect he should entertain 
for religious things and the worth of God's minig- 
ters. With regard to the latter, they are always 
edifying, everywhere, but especially in Spain and 
Italy, and are especially respected there in conse- 
qnence. 

EDUCATION (Christian) 

Consists in training small Christians, from their ear* 
liest infancy, in the healthful habits of making as 
little use of their reason as may be, of believing all 
they are told to believe, of hating all who do not be- 
lieve what they believe — all to the end of raising up 
for the state sensible and reasoning citizens, orderly 
fearing God, and above all hum'bly submissive to 
the clergy. 

ELECT. 

The elect are those whom God in his mercy has 
chosen to be heirs to the kingdom of heaven. Eack 
succeeding century provides about half a dozen or 
so of these elect, who shall enjoy the ineffable satis- 
faction of seeing the rest of mankind consuming in 
eternal flames. 

ENTHUSIASM. 

A species of holy drunkenness which seizes on the 
brain of those who by God's grace have imbibed 
large doses of the excellent wine sold by the priests 
in their sacred taverns. 

ERROR. 

In matters of religion, any way of thinking that 
differs from the way of thinking of the priests, in 



POCKET THEOLOGY. 47 

whom we should have all trust. With the Chris- 
tians, there is not a more unpardonable crime than 
to be in error, and such crime is righteously pun- 
ished with the gi'eatest rigor. Nothing less than 
fire can efficaciously enlighten and lead back into the 
path of duty he who is stupid enough to wander 
away from it. 

ETERNITY. 

That which has neither beginning nor end. As 
this is more easy to say than to understand, all good 
Christians will do well to meditate upon it with the 
help of their ministers, who will not fail to make it 
clear to them. In the meanwhile, under pain of be- 
ing roasted, and in spite of the preacher Petit JPierrCy 
hold for sure and certain that the pains of hell are 
eternal. Jesus Christ never said so, but the Church, 
which goes much farther than he, has said so, and is 
ever saying so, for the greater consolation of her 
dear children, ninety-nine of whom at least out of 
every hundred will be damned. 

EUCHARIST. 
A wonderful sacrament, in which the God of the 
universe is good enough to allow himself to be 
eaten by his priests and such good Christians as 
have stomachs strong enough to dig-est him. 

EUNIJCH. 

It would be well for the interests of the Church if 

aU were made eunuchs ; as then the world would 

soon come to an end, and God would be no longer 

offended by mankind. 

EVIL 

Came into the world through the sin of Adam.' If 
that idiot had not sinned, we should not have been 



4B POCKET THEOLOGY. 

afflicted with the small pox, nor the itch, nor theol- 
ogy, nor the faith which alone can save us. 

EXCOMMUNICATION. 

A spiritual penalty imposed by the shepherds of 
the Church on those of its sheep who are mangy. In 
other times this penalty caused to wither up and be 
stricken with sudden death divers princes and great 
ones of the earth, but in these latter days its effects 
are not by any means so marked; which proves that 
faith is daily decreasing and becoming more rare 
here below. 

EXERCISES (pious). 

Certain nice little spiritual occupations invented 

by the priests to stir up and l^eep awake the drowsy 

souls of devout Christians, and in default of which 

said devout Christians might run the risk of doing 

something useful either to their families or to a 

wicked world. Divers movements of the lips, the 

ears, and the body, without which a man cannot 

render himself agreeable in the eyes of God nor of 

his priests. Devotional exercises, which may appear 

odd, nay grotesque, to the eye of an unbeliever, are 

not so in the eyes of the clergy, because, in the first 

place, they are profitable, and in the second, they 

accustom believers to obey without reasoning or 

question. 

EXAMINATION. 

It is a great sin for a good Catholic to presume to 
examine whatever is said by his self-proclaimed 
infallible clergy. Good Protestants, on the other 
hand, may examine whatever is said by their clergy, 
which does not proclaim itself infallible, provided 
they be of the same way of thinking as the clergy. 



POCKET THBOLOOT. 49 

EXORCISM. 

An act of authority exclusively exercised by the 
priests of the Romish Church, and which, by dint of 
holy water, speeches, and ceremonies, drives devils 
out of bodies into which they had never entered, or 
only entered into for a financial consideration. 

EXPIATION 
Means here to liquidate a debt or debts contracted 
towards Go(i, ^nd consists in certain ceremonies in- 
vented by the priects, the solicitors and legal advis- 
ers of the Most High, ^t the request of the former 
the latter cancels all debts that are owing him, pro- 
vided the legal fees be paid. 

EYES. 

Organs of the body very useful to all good Chris- 
tians, who should shut them the better to advance 
in the way of salvation; nay, should even tear them 
out should the clergy scandalize them. 

EXTREME UNCTION. 
A most venerable sacrament of the Romish 
Church, and very efficacious in frightening the dy- 
ing. It consists principally in greasing the brogans 
of all who are departing on the journey to another 

world. 

EZEKIEL. 

A great prophet of Judea, celebrated for the vis- 
ions he saw and the excellent lunches he sat down 
to. Our modern prophets, it were needless to say, 
do not envy him the latter. He is assuredly, with the 
exception of the Jesuit Sanchez and the janitor of the 
convent of the Chartreuse, the most smutty priest 
that was ever known. 



50 POCKET THEOLOGY. 

FABLES. 
All the tales and legends told by all the religions 
of the earth are but fables, a goodly number of them 
being, moreover, of the dullest and most monoto- 
nous description. Those to be found in the Bible 
are alone authentic, and he who does not wish to be 
thrown into an everlasting boiling cauldron mast 
regard them as true. 

FAITH. 

A pious trust in priests, who make us believe 
whatever they tell us, even though we may not un- 
derstand it. It is the first of Christian virtues, and 
is theological that is to say, useful to theologians. 
Without it there can be no religion, and, conse- 
quently, no salvation. Its chief effects are to plunge 
us into and keep us in a state of pious torpor, acccm- 
panied by a holy obstinacy and a profound disdain 
for human reason and common sense. This virtue is 
most profitable to the Church, and is a gift of divine 
grace, induced by a habit of raving perpetually, or 
the fear of getting one's self into trouble. Thus it 
follows that all those who have not been endowed 
with this grace, or who have not had the oppor- 
tunity of contracting this pious custom, are of no 
mortal use to the Church, and consequently only fit 
for the dunghill. 

FAITHFUL (the). 

All pious Christians who are devoutly attached to 
God and his priests in defiance of all and every- 
thing. The faithful, as we know, owe allegiance to 
princes only in proportion as the latter show them- 
selves submissive to the Church, that is to say, to 
her ministers. 



POCKBT THBOLOOT. 51 

FAMILIARS. 

A name given in Spain and in Portugal to 
certain distinguished noblemen who, in their hu- 
mility, made themselves the spies, the informers, 
and the alguazils of the most holy Inquisition. 

FANATICISM. 

A holy rage or sacred contagion proper to Chris- 
tianity. It specially effects all good Christians of 
heated blood and zealous brain. It is contracted 
through the ear, and resists alike common sense and 
violent remedies. Broths, wines, and asylums for 
the insane are its most reliable specifics. 

FASTING 

Means to abstain from taking food, a pious practice 
most agreeable to God, who only gave us stomachs 
and aliments that we might die of starvation. When 
we cannot fast ourselves, we should make some one 
else fast for us. One of the many advantages de- 
rived from fasting is that it disposes us most effica- 
ciously to see anything the priesie desire we should 
see on an empty stomach. St. Bernard tells us that 
while the body is fasting, the soul fares sumptu- 
ously, and becomes as fat as a sucking pig. The 
Greeek and Latin Christians are convinced that the 
Almighty, like a custom - house officer, examines 
attentively, from his celestial dormer-window all the 
provisions that enter into the stomachs of his elect. 
He does not think, of course, that during - ^'^^^ 
Lent the latter would introduce into the former such 
food as turkey, chicken, and mutton, but is well 
pleased, nevertheless, that they content themselves 



52 POCKBT THEOLOGY. 

with herrings, codfish, eels, and eggs, which the 
archbishops kindly permit. 

FATALITY. 

A horrible system, which submits all and every- 
thing to necessity in a universe governed by the 
immutable laws of the Almighty, without whose 
will nothing can happen. If all things are ruled by 
the law of necessity, then good-bye to man's free 
will, of which the priests stand so much in need to 
be able to damn him. 

FATHERS OF THE CHURCH. 

Holy visionaries who have provided the Church 
with any number of dialecticians, dogmas, and wise 
interpolations, from whom and which the Church 
does not allow us to appeal to common sense. 

FEAR 

Is the beginning of wisdom. Men never reason so 
excellently as when they are very much frightened. 
Of all people, poltroons are the most useful to the 
cause of religion. If ever the human race forgets its 
cowardice, so surely will the priests remember theirs. 

FIGURES. 

Types, allegories, an obscure manner of express- 
ing himself very common with the Holy Spirit, who, 
h would appear, has never yet been able to persuade 
himself to speak in plain language to those whom he 
would enlighten, and this for no other reason than 
to provide for the doctors of the Church divers op- 
portanities to show their astonishing sagacity. 



POCKET THEOLOGY. 5Jl 

FILIAL. 

A filial fear mixed with love should be felt by all 
good Christians for a God who is not always in the 
best of tempers, and for the Holy Church, his 
spouse, who frequently shows herself to be a virago 
and a shrew. 

FUSTANCIERS. 

The publicans of the New Testament. With the 
one exception of the treasurer of the clergy, they 
will all be damned, unless, indeed, some charitable 
priests should rid them of a portion of the mammon 
of iniquity. 

FINGER OF GOD. 

Whenever any important event, a revolution, or a 
calamity turns to the profit of the Church, such is 
always signalized as the finger of God, who never 
loses sight of his good friends, the clergy, save and 
except on the rare occasions when Satan in his turn 
raps the knuckles of said finger. 

FIRE. 

The Christian religion is essentially a religion of 
fire. Christians should ever burn with divine love, 
priests should ever burn incense, the hangman should 
ever burn forbidden books in the market-place, and 
pnnces and magistrates should ever burn heretics, 
Atheists, and other miscreants. 

FLAGELLATIONS. 

Pious and salutary scourgings, self -administered 
by Christians who aim at perfection, to the end of 
mortifying the flesh, quickening the spirit, and giv- 
ing some occasion for fun to the Eternal Father of 



M POCKET THEOLOGY. 

all, who laughs in his divine sleeve every time he it 
shown a well-cbastised pair of shoulders or a thor 
oughly " whaled " posterior. 

FLESH (the) 

Is ever opposed to the spirit, and must be mortified. 
This recipe is eminently calculated to insure a 
cheerful spirit. 

FOLLY. 

All good Christians glory in the folly of the cross. 
Nothing can be more contrary to religion and the 
clergy than reason and common sense. These wil 
not accept faith, nor are they susceptible of either 
fervor or zeal. Mohammedans show respect to fools 
or madmen, and with regard to Christians, assuredly 
their greatest and most venerable saints were those 
whose brains had sustained the severest shock. 

FOOLS. 

Unbelievers, who are fools, can see with their pro- 
fane eyes nothing but fools and foolishness in our 
holy religion ; they see therein but a foolish God, 
who foolishly allowed himself to be hanged, foolish 
apostles, foolish mysteries, foolish opinions, foolish 
quarrels, foolish practices which occupy foolish peo- 
ple, who give a good time to the priests, who are 
anything but fools. 

FORCE. 

A virtue most useful and efficacious for the main- 
tenance of the faith and the property of the Church. 
It consists in priests forcing, by every means in their 
power, obstinate people to think as they do; with 
the laity it consists in vigorously repulsing all sug- 



POCKET THEOLOGY. 55 

gestions of reason and common sense and in tmst- 
fully bearing the burden of the ministers of the 
Lord, 

FORGIYEKESS OF INJURIES. 

Very laudable conduct in laymen, to whom it is 
prescribed in the gospel ; priests may dispense with 
it and never forgive, seeing that it is not they who 
are offended, but God. The God of all mercy would 
never forgive them did they forgive those who 
offend him, especially in the person of his clergy. 
This is the sin against the Holy Ghost which shall 
never be forgiven, either in this world or the next. 
Nevertheless, the priests may forgive those whom 
they have caused to be massacred, provided they 
leave behind them neither children, parents, nor rel- 
atives who may be also lawfully massacred accord- 
ing to the law of the Bible. 

FOUNDATIONS. 

Revenues granted to priests and friars So that 
they may eat well, drink well, sleep well, and sing 
well, to the end that the vineyards of those who 
have not the time to sing be assured against rain and 
hail. Hence it will be seen that it is the priests who 
are the sole clerks of the weather here below. 
FRAUDS (pious). 

Pious rogueries, religious lies, devout impostures, 
of which the clergy make most legitimate use to 
feed the faith of the vulgar and to further the good 
cause of injuring our enemies, against whom all 
weapons are lawful. 

FREE WILL. 

Man is a free agent; were it otherwise, the priests 
could not damn him. Free will is a small present 



56 POCKET THEOLOGY. 

which God has bestowed as a signal favor on the 
human race. By the help of this free will we are gifted 
above all other animals and plants with the faculty 
of being able to damn ourselves to all eternity when- 
ever our free will is not in perfect accord with the 
divine will of him who will thus enjoy the pleasure 
of punishing him whom he has allowed to anger 
him. 

FROCK. 

A sacred garment reserved for monkb and friars, 
who are men of God. By an astounding miracle the 
frock communicates to these the virtue of conti- 
nence as soon as put on ; witness the dog of M 
Malinotier. 

FULMINATION. 

The spiritual artillery of the Church. It is com- 
posed of mortars and intellectual cannon, which the 
heads of the Church have the right of aiming at the 
souls of whomsoever has the audacity to disagree 
with them. This metaphysical artillery likewise 
inflicts wounds bodily, when it is sustained by a 
material artillery kept in reserve by secular priests 
in their arsenals. 

FUNERALS. 

Ceremonies which the ministers of the Lord ren- 
der more or less dismal by their saintly howls Id 
proportion to the pay they have received. 

FUTURE. 

A country known to priestly geographers, where 
God will doubtless pay, on their falling due, all the 
bills that his brokers and agents have drawn on him. 
In no one instance has he ever permitted the bills of 



POCKET THEOLOGY. 57 

his business men to be protested, all such being, m 
is well known, payable on sight. 

GHOSTS (unholy). 
It should be an article of faith to believe in them. 
It is always as well to accustom people to be afraid 
of something or other; the Church can only gain by 
it. The devil is the bugbear that frightens children 
of forty years and upwards. 

GIFTS (gratuitous). 
By divine right the clergy owe nothing to the 
state. If thev contribute to its needs, it is through 
pure condescension. They sojourn in the state solely 
to be protected, respected, remunerated; they do the 
state honor enough by honoring it with their presence, 
aiding it with their prayers, enlightening it with their 
wisdom, and relieving it of its money-bags. 

GLORY OF GOD. 

The God of the Christians is a proud God, a very 
proud God, if we are to believe one-half of what his 
priests are constantly telling us on this subject. It 
is doubtless to the greater glory of God that those 
who represent him here on earth would now and 
again turn that earth topsy-tury if they could, and 
which, by-the-bye, they have a legitimate right to 
do, inasmuch as God created the earth to his own 
glory, which somehow or other is invariably con- 
fused and mixed up with the glory of the priests. 

GOD. 

A word synonymous with priests, or, rather, the 
factotum of theologians, the principal agent of the 
clergy, the business man, the purveyor, the commis- 
sary of the sacred army. The word of God is the 



58 POCKET THEOLOGY. 

word of the priests; the glory of God is the pride of 
the priests; the will of God is the will of the priests. 
To offend God is to offend the priests; to believe in 
God is to believe all that the priests tell us. When 
God is ftaid to be wroth, it means that the priests 
are out of temper. By substituting the word priest 
for the word God, theology becomes the simplest of 
sciences. This established, it follows that there can 
be no true Atheists, seeing that no one but a triple 
imbecile would attempt to deny the existence of the 
clergy, which is a very palpable fact. There is, of 
course, another and quite different God, but the 
priests hold him of little account. Theirs is the true 
one, and men must acknowledge him if they do not 
want to roast in the other world. 

GOODNESS. 

Divine perfection. God is all good, without the least 
mixture of evil. It is true that in spite of his good- 
ness he frequently harms us, or permits others to 
harm us. This, however, proves nothing, for he is 
invariably good to his ministers, and this ought to 

suffice for us. 

GOOSE. 

There is a series of tales called the tales of Mother 
Goose. The tales told us by the Church are also 
tales of Mother Goose, seeing that we are goslings 
and the Church is our mother. 

GOSPEL 

Signifies good news. The good news that the gospel 
of the Christians came to announce to them is that 
their God is a God of wrath, that he has predestined 
the far greater number of them to hell-hre, that their 
happiness depends on their pious imbecility, their 



POCKET THEOLOGY. 69 

holy credulity, their sacred ravings, on the evils they 
do to one another through their hatred one for an- 
other, on their unintelligible meaning, on their zeal, 
on their antipathy for and persecution of all who do 
not agree with them or resemble them. Such are 
the good tidings that the Godhead, in its great love 
and tenderness for the human race, has sent down to 
them. Such was the joy with which the latter 
received the former that ever since its advent they 
have done nothing but weep, lament, quarrel, and 
fight and gnash their teeth at each other. 

GRACE. 

A gratuitous gift which the Most High bestows 
on whomsoever he pleases, of course reserving to 
himself the right of chastising all to whom he has 
denied it. It has never yet been decided whether, 
to produce its proper effect, grace should be abun- 
dant or efficient. The recipient must therefore wait 
until God grants him the grace to know what 
grace is. 

GREATNESS. 

The Church of God despises the greatness of 
this world ; its ministers never so much as give it 
a thought ; its bishops especially show a marked 
aversion for worldly titles, orders, honors, etc., and 
you could not be guilty of a greater offense toward 
one of their number than by calling him "Your 
Eminence." 

HANGMAN (public). 

The best of all Christians in a Christian country, 
and the most orthodox of its citizens. He is the 
friend of the priests, the defender of the faith, and, 
in a word, the most indispensable of all men to the 
priests and to the cause of God. 



60 POCKET THEOLOGY. 

HARSHNESS. 

Harshness, or hardness of heart, has ever been 
more or less attributed to the members of the clergy. 
Such harshness is with them only the effect of the 
sublimest virtue. A true Christian should be wholly 
unfeeling. He is a perfect priest on whom God in 
his grace has bestowed a head of brass and a heart 
of steel. 

HATRED. 

A most praiseworthy feeling, and necessary to all 
good Christians when their priests think fit to excite 
it in their bosoms for the cause of God against the 
unbelieving. Thus, on the faith of the word of his 
confessor, a devout Christian may cordially and con- 
scientiously hate any one who disagrees with such 
confessor, and without in any wise wounding Chris- 
tian charity. 

HEAVEN. 

A far distant country where resides the God who 
fills the universe with his immensity. It is thence 
that our priests import, at a very slender outlay, the 
dogmas, arguments, and other spiritual aid airy 
articles that they sell to the Christians. There, 
seated on his throne of clouds, the Most High at 
their behests dispenseth to the nations of the earth 
dews or deluges, soft rain or tempests, calamities or 
prosperity, and last though not least, those pious 
dissensions so necessary for the maintenance of the 
faith. There are three heavens as we are all aware. 
St. Paul saw the second, but has given no map of 
its whereabouts, a fact rather embarrassing to 
geographers. 



POCKET THEOLOGY. il 

HELL. 

A cooking-stove which heats the sacerdotal sanoe- 
pan here below. It was founded in behalf of our 
priests, to the end that the latter may never be want- 
ing in good cheer. Our Eternal Father, who is chief 
cook, makes roasts and bakes of those of his chil- 
dren who have not deferred sufficiently to their 
teachings. At the feast of the Lamb the elect shall 
eat of the flesh of broiled Infidels, fricasseed rich 
men, financiers d la Worcestershire sauce, etc. 

HERESIES 
Are necessary to the Church inasmuch as they call 
into play the talents, and polish and keep free from 
rust the swords, of her reverend gladiators. Any 
opinion or opinions adverse to those expressed by 
the theologians, in whom we have the fullest trust, 
or who have power or credit enough to force such 
trust from us, are evidently heretical. Hence it will 
be seen that among theologians heretics are those of 
their number who are not backed with a sufficient 
array of battalions to render them orthodox. 

HETERODOX. 

Such are all who do not think like the orthodox, 
or who have not strength and might sufficient to 
make themselves orthodox. 

HIERARCHY. 

The order of the divers ranks occupied by the 
ministers of J. C. in his father's mansion, where, 
however, he has told ns himself, there should be nei- 
ther first nor last in his eyes. His spouse, however, 
who imderstands the management of his affairs much 



62 POCKET THEOLOGY. 

better than he does himself, has ordered things 
otherwise — so much so, indeed, that there is now in 
the divine family as great a distance from a bishop 
to a curate as there is from God the Father to St. 
Crispin, who was but a cobbler of Soissons 

HISTORY (ecclesiastical). 

A study most necessary to churchmen, but very 
nTuiious to laymen, whose faith might not aJways 
i»e sufficiently robust not to be scandalized by the 
pious deportment of the ministers of the Lord. 

HOLIDAYS. 

Certain days wisely set apart by the Church to be 
spent in holy idleness, which is favorable to piety. 
An artisan may not, without sin, work for his bread 
on a holiday though he may get drunk if he chooses 
and has the means of doing so. However, the 
safest manner of passing such days is to sit and 
yawn your head off. 

HOLOCAUSTS. 

Victims either roasted or broiled, or both, offered 
up as a sacrifice. The divinity would seem to have 
ever had a most pronounced taste for roasts, seeing 
the high esteem in which his priests have ever held 
such. 

HOLY SCRIPTURE. 

A book sent down from heaven for the express 
purpose that the clergy may find therein all that 
they want to find. Holy scripture contains aU 
that a Christian should know and believe, provided 
ke adds to it a million or so of oommentaries. 



POOKET THEOLOOT. 69 

HOLT SPIRIT. 
Tbe conscience of the gods who compose the sole 
God of the Christians. His functions are to inspire 
the priests and to be in their midst whenever so 
required. In the eyes of carnal n^en the Holy Spirit 
shows but a very moderate amount of spirit 

HOLY WATER. 
Is called lustral water by the pagans, but priests 
render it most holy, most Christian, and most effica- 
cious by the aid of certain incantations to be found 
in certain old conjuring books called rituals. 

HOPE. 
A Christian virtue which consists in our despising 
all poor things here below in the expectation of en- 
joying in an unknown country unknown joys which 
our priests promise us for the worth of our money. 

HOSPITALS. 

Pious institutions in favor of the poor ; that is to 
say, of those who manage and direct them. God 
rewards them, even in this life, for their tender care 
of those confided to their charge. The managers 
and directors of these institutions are usually well 
housed, clad in purple and fine linen, and fare sump- 
tuously every day. 

HUMANITY. 
A virtue of profane ethics which all good Chris- 
tians should stifle in their bosoms as it seldom or 
ever accords with the interests of the Divinity, wAh 
whom, in conjunction with humanity, the priests 
would fare but poorly. For the rest, God's ministers 
are always so busy with the management of heavenly 



t4 POCKET THEOLOGY. 

affairs that they have very little time to devote to 
the interests of mankind. But although the priests 
have no humanity themselves, they nevertheless 
cause us to go through our humanities by making 
«s learn a little bad Latin and a great deal of cate- 
chism. 

HUMILITY. 

.A Christian virtue which prepares the way for 
faith. It is a virtue specially useful to the ministers 
of the Gospel, to whose lights it is of the greatest 
importance we should defer. It chiefly consists in a 
contempt for one's self and a fear of incurring the 
esteem of one's neighbor, whence it arises that it is 
one of the virtues the most fitted to the molding of 
great men. In the Church of God, all breathes of 
humility, all teaches humility ; the bishops are hum- 
ble ; the Jesuits are humble ; a cardinal does not 
esteem himself higher than the janitor of a Capu- 
chin convent, and the Pope most humbly places him- 
eelf above all kings of the earth, and said kings are 
most subservient to this doorkeeper of Paradise. 

HYPOCRISY. 

An easy way of getting on in life by getting the 
clergy on our side. All hypocrites are therefore of 
great help to the cause of God, defending it as they 
generally do with much more zeal than sincerely 
devout people, who are frequently rather obtuse and 

simple. 

IDEAS (innate). 

Thus are called certain notions instilled into our 
minds so earnestly and so persistently by our nurses 
and our priests that when we have grown to be men 
ftnd women we imagine we received them 6ven in 



POCKET THEOLOGY. 6i 

OUT mother's womb. All ideas set forth in the oate' 
ohism are clearly innate ideas. 

IDLENESS 

Is the mother of all the vices. If there were no 
priests in the world, people would not have work 
enough to do, and would become loaders and tramps. 
If priests consecrate themselves to idleness, it is for 
no other reason than to diminish the number of the 
vices of the laity, who are thus obliged to labor, not 
only for themselves, but for the mighty army of the 
Lord's lazy-bones. 

IDOLATRY. 

Religious worship rendered to material and inani- 
mate objects. Our worship is due to the only true 
God, and cannot, therefore, be transferred to any of 
his creatures without sin, unless, indeed, the only 
true God should take a fancy to turn himself into a 
wafer, or to charige a wafer into himself, which, of 
course, would make it quite a different thing al- 
together. 

IGNORANCE 

Is the opposite of knowledge and the first step to 
faith, and of the highest importance to the Church, 
seeing that since the laity has become more enlight- 
ened, faith has declined on the earth, the heart of 
charity has become hardened, and the shares of the 
priesthood are hourly rendering more modest divi- 
dends. 

IMITATION. 

The Christian religion commands us to imitate the 
God we adore, whence we must infer that it is our 
duty to lay snares for the feet of men and then pun- 
kh them for having fallen into them; to persecute 



•6 POCKET THEOLOGY. 

and exterminate Infidels, to send sinners to the deyil, 
and finally to get ourselves gibbeted to complete the 
resemblance between ourselves and our divine model. 

IMMATERIAL. 

T^at which is not material, or that which is spirit- 
ual. If you desire any further explanation on this 
head, apply to your priest, who will prove to you that 
God is immaterial, that your soul is immaterial, and 
that your understanding, being too material, under- 
stands nothing. Let faith attend you, or dread that 
on a day to come your obtuse spirit be materially or 
spiritually roasted for having been too material. 

IMMENSE. 

God is immense; his presence fills all space; he is 
everywhere. Then he is within me when I sin or 
act unwisely I Nothing of the sort, you idiot ; he 
can be everywhere without being in you — don't yon 
see? H'm I Ha ! A mystery. C^, yes ; now I un- 
derstand ! 

IMMORTALITY. 

A quality proper to our soul, which, as we know, 
is a spirit. Now, a spirit is a substance of the na- 
ture of which we have no knowledge, and it cannot, 
therefore, be destroyed by the same elements as the 
substances we have a knowledge of. It is most 
essential to the Church that our souls should be im- 
mortal, for otherwise the ministers of the Church 
might be obliged to go into bankruptcy, 

IMMUTABLE. 

God is mtmutable, or, in other words, not eusoept- 
ible of change. Nevertheless, we find among hii 



POCKET THEOLOGY. «7 

letters and papers that he has frequently changed hii 
projects, his friends, and even his religion ; all these 
changes are of course without prejudice to his im- 
mutability or to that of his immutable priests, who 
are unchanging and steadfast in their purpose of 
leading laymen by the nose to the end of all time. 

IMMUNITIES. 

Pririleges most wisely granted by princes, or 
rather by the Godhead himself to his valets and 
footmen. In virtue of such immunities, the latter 
may be as arrogant and insolent as they please, and 
are dispensed from contributing like other men to the 
needs and wants of the human society. God is 
never so wroth as when a sacrilegious hand lays itself 
on the immunities of his domestics, and always pun- 
ishes such an act by the most terrible chastisement. 

IMPECCABILITY. 

God himself has promised to his Church that she 
shall ever remain lovely and lovable, that she shall 
inherit immortal youth, that she shall never mouth 
and rave, and that the gates of hell shall not prevail 
against her. However, in spite of these assurances, 
she hits out right and left, and raises the deuce gen- 
erally if a word be spoken that does not sound 
agreeable to her ears. This manner of being on her 
part proceeds less from a want of faith than from 
the fear of a possible failing of fundi, which serve 
to keep bright the face of youth. 

IMPENITENCE. 

A hardening in sin. If a soul persevere even unto 
death in its revolt against God and his Church, then 



•8 POCKET THEOLOGY. 

impenitence is called forth. It is the most deadly of 
all sins in the eyes of the clergy, who could never 
consent that God should condone it. 

IMPIOUS (the). 

People. who are not pious, or, being wanting in 
faith, have the impertinence to laugh at things which 
the truly devout and the priests have agreed among 
themselves are grave and sacred. An impious wo- 
man is one who is not a magpie like her servant, 
sister, or her prudish aunt. 

IMPIETY. 

All that is injurious and detrimental to the honor 
of God, that is to say, of the clergy. 

IMPLICIT. 

The distinguishing charactei' of a well-conditioned 
faith, that is, oi a f^ith that causes us to believe all 
the priests tell us if we are Catholics ; all that Prof. 
Vernet says if we are natives of Geneva ; and all 
that the mufti says if we are inhabitants of Con- 
stantinople. 

INCEST 

Was a sin against nature in the days of Adam, but 
has been and is still sanctioned by the popes, if they 
are paid a good price for such a sanction. To lie 
with one's godmother is spiritual incest, and quite 
as bad as corporeal incest, and will be punished in 
like manner. 

INCOMPREHENSIBLE. 
God is incomprehensible, as are likewise the mys- 
teries of his Church. The priests alone are able to 
oomprehend both one and the other, a fact to b« 



POCKET THEOLOGT. ^ t9 

ascribed to the remarkable formation and capacity 

of the priestly brain. 

INCREDULOUS (the). 

Any number of rogues who are not credulous, and 
who have the impertinence to think that it might 
juA happen that God has not said all that has been 
put into his mouth, and that his priests may have 
kept back things that he has said. It is plain that 
such individuals are quite useless to the clergy, and 
consequently useless to society, which cannot do 
without the clergy. Moreover, has not St. Augus- 
tine declared that the sin of incredulity is the great- 
est of all sins ? 

INDULGENCES. 

Spiritual graces granted by God or the pope to 
the faithful, and which have for effect to remit their 
sins in the past and the future. Indulgences must 
not be confounded with what the profane call indul- 
gence, the clergy having neither the right nor the 
desire to pretend to anything of that sort. 

INFALLIBILITY. 

An exclusive privilege granted by God himself te 
his Church. The bishops assembled in council can- 
not err on questions of faith, if they have power and 
influence enough to havo their decisions passed and 
approved of. Some Christians believe that the pope 
is infallible, but others, again, have the courage to 
entertain and to express grave doubts on that head. 
It may be accepted, as a general rule, that every 
bishop, priest, preacher, rabbin, iman, etc., is infal- 
lible as long as there is danger in contradicting him. 



^® POCKET THEOLOGY. ' 

IMPORTANT. 

There is nothing so important in the whole world 
as that which it imports the priests to cause to be 
regarded as imjjortant. The Christian world has had 
for some centuries past the happiness of being con- 
stantly troubled and thrown into strife and turmoil 
about certain important words, important arguments, 
important epochs, important ceremonies, important 
bulls, etc. 

IMPOSITION (of hands). 

A holy ceremony necessary to the making of a 
priest, and not of an impostor, as the word itself 
would seem to imply. This holy act draws down the 
Holy Spirit on the pate of a priest, who therefore 
can never lie again, and will always speak the truth, 
provided, however, that whatever he says be ap- 
proved by his bishop, who, as we all know, got his 
faith at the fountain-head. 

INCARNATION. 

Every good Christian is bound to believe that he 
who fills the universe with his immensity, once upon 
a time made himself so small as to be able to enter 
into the hide of a Jew. He had but slight reason to 
congratulate himself on the metamorphosis, how- 
ever, and it is hardly likely that he will try it again. 

INFANCY. 

A state of helplessness, ignorance, and imbecility, 
in which it is necessary to maintain Christians, to 
the end of enabling their priests the more easily to 
lead them to heaven, from which they would inevi- 
tably be excluded if they were grown enough to be 
able to walk without leading strings. 



POCKET THEOLOGY. 71 

INFINITE. 

That which is not finished or has no end. God is 
infinite ; that is to say, the theologians are not very 
exactly informed as to the extent of his attributes. 
Tie clergy partake of the infinite with God, as they 
are, like him, infinitely wise, infinitely powerful, in- 
infinitely respected by the Christians in their infinite 
simplicity of head and heart. 

INFORMATION. 

The Christian religion, being the upholder of so- 
ciety and the stronghold of all the virtues, maintains 
in its midst spies and informers, turns children 
against their parents, servants against their masters, 
and vice versa, a state of things which renders the 
relations of life both secure and agreeable to all par- 
ties. 

INGRATITUDE. 

An odious disposition of the mind in laymen, who 
should never lose sight of their immense obligations 
to the clergy; the clergy may be ungrateful, or, to 
put it in other words, can have no obligations toward 
anybody. The persons who endow them with rev- 
enues, privileges, and benefices are but instruments in 
the hands of God for the greater good of his minis- 
ters. The duty of the clergy is, then, clearly to 
show themselves ungrateful for assumed benefits, 
were it only to f ufill the words of the prophet, who 
declares that you have only to give them meat if 
you wish them to declare war upon you. 

INNOVATORS 

Are all who, without first obtaining the consent of the 
theologians, take upon themselves to teach any doo- 



7f POCKET THEOLOGY. 

V.'- 

trine which these distiDguished men have never till 
then thought of. They (the theologians) alone have 
the right of revising, correcting, and explaining the 
eternal decrees of the Godhead, nay, even of manu- 
facturing fashionable dogmas for the special use of 
the fair sex, who, as we all are well aware, are fond 
of change in all things, but especially in matters of 
religion, 

INSPIRATION. 

A peculiar effect of divine flatulence emitted by 
the Holy Spirit, which hisses into the ears of a few 
men chosen of God, who uses them as a species of 
air-pipe to transmit his will to the vulgar, amazed at 
the marvels of his works. 

INSTRUCTION (religious) 

Consists in the relating of pious fables to, and com- 
bating the reason of, believers who are under 
instruction. These sublime functions belong exclu- 
sively to the clergy, who possess the divine right of 
rendering the peoples and nations under their yoke 
as crazy and as imbecile as the interests of the 
church require and the will of the priests chooses 
them to be. 

INTERDICTION. 

A fearful chastisement now and again imposed 
by the heads of the Church on nations whose princes 
they want to bring to their senses. It consists in 
depriving communities of religious worship, ceremo- 
nies, and spiritual grace, without the aid of which 
the crops will not ripen nor the fruits of the earth 
give forth their abundance. In former days the 
popes were very suooessful in employing this rem* 



POCKET THEOLOGY. 7S 

edy, but they are more sparing of it in these latter 
days, and this for the best of reasons. 

INTEREST. 

Of all men living, the ministers of God are the 
most disinterested wherever their own interest alone 
is concerned ; they never, under any circumstances, 
have any other interests in view than those of God 
and his spouse, the Church. Now, the domestic 
establishment of the pair being a rather expensive 
one, the priests are anxious that it shall be kept up 
on a suitable footing. 

INTERPRETERS. 

Pious pettifogger8, to whom the church hands over 
the arrangement of her affairs when they have 
become embarrassed. By their wonderful shuffling 
and chicanery, these pettifoggers would succeed in 
obtaining a verdict against common sense itself. 

INVECTIVES. 

PoKte and charitable expressions used by theolo- 
gians among themselves or against their adversaries 
when they desire to conciliate things or surmount 
any difficulty that is opposed to them. Invectives 
are powerful arguments, but the stake and the pil- 
lory have proved themselves to be arguments more 
powerful still. 

inquisition: 

A sacred tribunal composed of priests and monks 
independent of the civil power and possessing alone 
the right of judgment without appeal, both in their 
own cause and the cause of those who oppose them. 
With the aid of this holy tribunal the priests who 
fttithori«« it ftre ftssurtd of reigning over the ^^^^^ 



^4 POCKET THEOLOOT. 

orthodox, pious, and deluded subjects In the world, 
ever ready and willing to take up arms in the cause 
of the clergy against temporal power. It is to be 
regretted that the want of such a holy tribunal has 
not hitherto made itself felt in France. 

JANSENISTS. 

Bastard Catholics who, in spite of the Holy 
Father, the clergy, and the court, persist in calling 
themselves orthodox. The grace that saves has not 
yet succeeded in getting presented at court, but in 
compensation she has on her side the rue St. Monoriy 
the MaraiSy and the markets, without counting 
many lords of the parliament. The Jansenists are 
meek and honorable when they have not might on 
their side; but when might is with them, their char- 
ity sours in a greater or less degree. In spite of the 
austerity that characterizes them, their brows clear 
up from time to time at the contempla/tion of the 
notable miracles that God works in their favor. It 
is in Lent especially that their cheerfulness is re- 
markable. Not long since, Sister Fran9oise gave a 
private ball on a certain Good Friday in an alley in 
the rue St.Denis, and such was her cheerfulness on 
this occasion that she danced herself tc death. (See 
Convulsionists.) 

JERUSALEM. 

There are two tow ns of this name, the one situated 
in Judea and the other in the fiftieth degree of im- 
aginary space. The latter is, according to St. John, 
in the Apocalypse, a beautiful city all built of dia- 
monds and emeralds, rubies, and other precious 
stones. Christians who properly mortify themselves 
here below shall one day see it 



POCKST THB0L06T. 15 

JESUITS. 

A company of very black and very warlike monks, 
who, some two centuries since, banded together to 
the end of reviving the faith, which was dying out 
of the earth. They are the janizaries of the pope, 
and not infrequently get his holiness into trouble. 
They are the depositaries of the penknife of the 
Church, the handle of which is at Rome. A short 
time since, Father Malagrida lost the blade in Por- 
tugal, and the brotherhood was dangerously wound- 
ed by it. 

JESUS CHRIST. 

A name that once upon a time was taken by the 
Godhead when he went to make a short sojourn in 
Judea, where, failing to declare his right name and 
qualities, he was hanged as a spy. Had it not been 
for this lucky quid pro quOy the human race had been 
lost and we should never have heard speak of the 
bull Unigenitus, 

JEWS. 

A nation full of amenity and composed of lepers, 
misers, usurers, and scurvy rogues whom the God of 
the universe, delighted with their shining qualities, 
in former days fell in love with, an act which 
caused him to say and do a number of foolish things. 
This love has passed away, however, since the Jews 
hanged his son, and he will have no more to do with 
them except at such times as when the Inquisition 
roasts one of them and serves him up on his table as 
a special delicacy. 

JUBILEE. 

A time of recreation and cheerfulness granted by 
the pope to his flock that they may sport and gam- 



76 POCKET THEOLOGY. 

bol in the spiritual meadows, which always oontrib- 
uteg more or less to the manuring of the lands of the 
Church. 

JUDEA. 

A holy and barren country which is about as vast 
as the Kingdom of Yvetot. This country, by an 
astounding miracle, produces to its kings as big rev- 
enues as the whole of Europe put together, the 
expenses of the tribe of Levi deducted. 

JONAH 

Was a scolding and wrathful prophet. He was three 
days in the belly of a whale, which, not being able to 
stand him any longer, vomited him forth, thereby 
showing what a hard morsel is a prophet to digest. 

JUDGMENTS (rash) 

Are forbidden by the Gospel, especially to laymen, 
who should never, under any circumstances, judge 
the conduct of the spiritual guides. If these should 
stumble upon a bishop or an abb^ in any haunt of 
suspicious fame, they are bound to believe that the 
holy man is there for the salvation of souls and the 
greater glory of God, who cannot be angry with his 
creatures for enjoying themselves. 

JUG&LERS. 

Quacks and mountebanks who, by their wonderful 
tricks of legerdemain, impose on the vulgar in all 
countries. The priests of false religions are knavish 
jugglers ; the priests of the true religion are honest 
jugglers, and should be respected, particularly when 
we find ourselves within the reach of their magio 
Wftndi 



POOKBT THBOLOOT. tt *• 

JUSTICE (divine) 
Has not the slightest resemblance in the world to 
human justice. In the meantime the theologians 
know that it is by an effect of theological justice 
that God visits on the whole human race the sin of 
one man; that it was through justice that he caused 
his beloved and innocent son to die to appease his own 
justice ; that it is through justice that he condemns 
to eternal fire all those to whom he has refused his 
grace; that it is through justice that the priests con- 
demn to the stake all who are not of their way of 
thinking. Hence it is that divine or theological jus- 
tice has nothing in common with that which mankind 
calls justice. 

JUST (the) 

Are those of the Christians who enjoy the advi cage 
of being agreeable in the eyes of God. The iarth 
it theirs by right, and they may possess it if tlji«)y are 
V number sufficient to do so. 

KEYS (power of the). 
Jesus Christ himself remitted the keyb -of heaven 
to his Church. They alone can open oi shut the 
gates of paradise. The pope is the janitor; therefore, 
" no song, no supper." 

KINGDOM OF GOD. 

The kingdom of God is not of this world ; Christ 
himself has said it, but it is not one of his best say» 
ings. If things were as they ought to be, the priests 
alone would command here below; but alas ! the 
little faith to be found in princes often opposes them 
in their holy enterprises. Had mankind a sufficient 
dose of faith, it is kings and potentates who would 
bo at the orders of the clergy. 



ft POOKXT THBOLO«T. 

KINGS 

Are the chiefs or the heads of nations and the most 
humble servants of the priests, who, in a Christian 
country, should owe allegiance to none, and should 
command all. Kings are only made kings for the pur- 
pose of defending the clergy, supporting and enforc- 
ing their arguments, and, above all, of exterminating 
their enemies. 

LAITY. 

Profane and unclean animals who have not the 
honor of feeding at the sacred rack. They are the 
beasts of burden of the priests, with this difference, 
that whereas it is generally the custom for the rider 
to feed the horse, in the Church of God it is, on the 
contrary, the horse that feeds him who bestrides 
him. 

LAMB OF GOD. 

Jesus Christ. Scripture warns us to flee from the 
wrath of the lamb, who is, according to the Apoca- 
lypse, fiercer than a wolf and more irritable than a 
turkey-cock. 

LATIN CHURCH 

Is the church in which Latin is still chanted, though 
people have long since forgotten how to speak it. 
This is a very sensible and judicious custom, seeing 
that it suits the clergy that believers, like parrots, 
should not have the least idea of what they are 
uttering, and moreover should not be scandalized by 
the delectable things they find in their psalm-books. 

LAUGHTER. 

A Christian should be as grave as a donkey that is 
reoeiving a thrashing. Jesus Christ was never knows 



POCKET THEOLOGY. ^0 

to laugh, and indeed there is nothing to laugh at 
anyway, seeing that a Christian is in danger of fall- 
ing, at any moment, into the boiling cauldron pre- 
pared for him by the divinity to the end of enjoying 
an eternal laugh at his expense. No, indeed ; there 
is nothing to laugh at in the matter for any one con- 
cerned, except the priests, who laugh in their sleeve 
at the profits they derive from it. 
LAW. 
A good Christian should never go to law ; rather 
should he give up his coat and his pants, and every- 
thing that he hath. Churchmen never go to law; 
they are the most docile and easy creatures in the 
world on matters of business. 

LAWS (canon). 
A collection of the laws, ordinances, constitutions, 
decisions, bulls, etc., invented by the ministers of 
God to form the sacred jurisprudence that they have 
given to themselves. This special jurisprudence is 
against common sense, civil jurisprudence, the rights 
of kings, and even the rights of nature; all of which 
rights should and must yield to the right divine. 

LEAGUE. 

A pious association formed in the sixteenth cen- 
tury by the Church of God, some of the salutary 
effects of which were the murder of a king of France, 
the plunging of the land into turmoD and dissensions, 
and the celebration of the holy ceremony of the 
mass by a heretic priest, who found himself none the 
worse for it. 

LEGENDS. 

Wonderful and edifying stories which are now 
but seldom read, strong-minded and skeptical critios 



80 POCKET THEOLOGY. 

having thrown any number of wet blankets on the 
credulity of believers. 

LENT. 

A time of mortification, fasting, and tears, by 
which some Christians more devout than others pre- 
pare themselves to eat of the paschal Lamb, whose 
flesh would be quite indigestible if persons did not 
fast and thoroughly purge themselves before partak- 
ing of it. 

LETTERS. 

The Church stands in need of none such, seeing 
that her holy founders were ignorant and unlettered. 
The only letters that are useful to her are lettres d€ 
cachet, 

LEVITES, 

The children of Levi, to whom, as a reward for 
their pious ferocity, the tender-hearted Moses offered 
the sacred functions of the priesthood. The tribe of 
Levi, at the command of Moses, had massacred the 
fellow-citizens of the latter, whom the high priest, 
Aaron, had caused to lie. Thus we see that our own 
priests of to-day, who have inherited the rights as 
well as all the zeal of the Levites, are quite justified 
in murdering any number of rogues who have been 
induced by priests into error. 

LIBERTINES. 

This term should be applied to any man or woman 
who does not believe in religion. You «annot be at 
one and the same time a reasoning being and a moral 
one ; only libertines and debauchees are capable of 
reasoning and doubting. Besides, it is a patent fact 
that not one single instance of libertinism or immo* 
nlity has ever been found out aganist Chrietians. 



POCKET THEOLOGY. 81 

LIBERTIES OF THE GALLICAN CHURCH. 

The French, who are a volatile people, frequently 
treat the pope in a very airy, off-hand way. Our 
magistrates are strong-minded men, who refuse to 
believe in his infallibility, who believe that he him- 
self is but the servant of the Church, and who pre- 
tend that he has not received, like Samuel, the 
right of dethroning kings or even of poking his holy 
nose into their temporal affairs; all of which maxims 
must carry with them a strong smell of heresy, es- 
pecially to a Roman nose. 

LIBERTY OP THOUGHT 

Should be repressed with the most rigorous severity. 
The priests think for the people, who have nothing 
else to think of than to pay generously those who 
spare them the trouble of thinking. 

LIBERTY (political) 

Is not much to the taste of the Church; despotism 
is far more profitable to her. When the prince is 
saddled, the whole nation is bridled, and forced to 
bend to the yoke of the Lord, which, as we all know, 
is and has been of the easiest. 

LOGIC, 

According to the profane, is the art of reasoning ; 
according to theologians, the art of non-reasoning 
one's self, or misguiding the reason of others. The- 
ological logic becomes very convincing when it is 
backed by fire and sword. 

LOVE (divine). 

An accarsed passion which corrupt nature inspires 
la one ses for the other. The God of the Christiftat 



82 POCKET THEOLOGY. 

is not gallant, and allows of no trifling on this head. 
Were it not for original sin, mankind would increase 
without love, and women would bring forth through 
the ear. 

LOVE (self). 

A fatal disposition of our corrupt nature which in- 
spires in us a love for ourselves, a desire to preserve 
ourselves from all that is painful and disagreeable, 
and an ardent wish for our own personal welfare. 
Had Adam not fallen, we should, on the contrary, 
have hated ourselves, detested everything pleasant 
and agreeable, and have given no thought to our own 
preservation. 

LUKEWARMNESS 

Is a most reprehensible indifference shown by some 
Christians with regard to the most important sub- 
jects of salvation, and which may ultimately lead 
them to tolerance. The Christian temperament 
should be always at boiling heat. God vomits forth 
the lukewaj-m, and the heart of a woman turneth 
from a lukewarm lover. 

LUST. 

A deadly sin, for which God will listen to no excuse 
or palliation. By a special effect of his grace, monks 
and priests are exempt from it. A rakish monk would 
be as bad as a reasoning being. In the meanwhile, 
fornication is permitted to priests, with, however, 
certain reservations. 

LUXURY. 

The Church, like all women in general, has, in spite 
of all her spouse can say, a decided leaning toward 
dainty fare, and purple and fine linen. Her mother- 
in-law, the Blessed Virgin, would seem to share in 



POCKBT THEOLOGY. 88 

this weaknesS) and is never so gratified as wlien she 
\s invested with a flaunting new gown. 

MACERATION. 

An ingenious way of losing flesh. God loveth not 
big-bellied Christians, unless the monks of the order 
of St. Bernardine be the owners of such. Laymen 
must be very lean indeed before they may hope to 
Blip through the gate of Paradise. 

MAGIC. 

There are two sorts of magic — white or natural 
magic, and black magic, commonly known as witch- 
craft or the black art. The first is a holy art, and is 
daily practiced in the Church, the ministers of which 
are magicians, who oblige both God and the Devil to 
do whatever they ask them to do. Black magic is 
m unlawful practice as far as the laity is concerned, 
priests alone being allowed to have anything to do 
with the Devil. 

MAHOMETANISM. 

A sanguinary religion whose odious founder willed 
that it should be established by sword and fire. The 
difference is palpable between such a religion and the 
religion founded by Christ, which teaches but gentle 
Qess and loving kindness, and whose sacred dogmas, 
in consequence, are established by the priests with 
fire and sword. 

MAN. 

Man, in the ordinary sense, may be thus defined : 
An animal composed of flesh and bones, who walks 
on two legs, feels, thinks, and reasons. According 
to the Gospel and to St. James, man should neither 
feel, nor think, nor reason ; nay, to make himself the 
more agreeable and acceptable, he should go about 



•4 POCKET THSOLOGT. 

upon all fours, to the end that the ministers of ih% 
Lord might all the more easily get upon his back. 

MAN (an honest). 
It is materially impossible to be an honest man 
without a deep conviction that the Church is infalli- 
ble, and that her priests are equally incapable of 
lying, or of deceiving themselves or others. It is 
clear that a man who does not fear damnation in the 
next world will never feel the necessity of honor in 
this one, and will sneer alike at the disdain and chas- 
tisement of the latter, as he scouts the idea of pun- 
ishment in the former. 

MANICHEISM. 

A heresy most justly condemned and detested by 
the Christians. The Manicheans admit in the uni- 
verse two principles equal in power, which is abomi- 
nable ; the Christians admit an all-powerful God 
whom the Devil may at any moment overthrow, which 
is most orthodox. 

MARRIAGE. 

A state of imperfection of which, however, the 
Church has made sacrament. There is but one thing 
good about it, and that is, that it puts money in the 
way of the priests who have prudently invented hin- 
drances to have the pleasure of selling dispensations 

to them. 

MARTYRS. 

Devout and obstinate people, who put themselves 
in the way of being imprisoned, whipped, dismem- 
bered, and roasted, to the sole end of proving to the 
universe that their priests are not in the wrong. 
Every religion has its martyrs, but the true martyrs 
are those who have died for the true religion. The 



POCKET THEOLOGY. 85 

tnxe religion is that which is not false, or that whioh 
the priests proclaim is the true one. 

MARVELOUS (the). 

The basis of all religions ; any and everythin 
that we do not understand ; all and every thing that 
causes dotards and old women to open wide both 
eyes and ears. Those smart people who are wanting 
in faith can see nothing marvelous in the whole uni- 
verse except it be the docility of mankind and the 
intrepid impudence of the priests, the marvels 
announced by the prophet Jeremiah, who says that 
priests never blush. Fades Sacerdotum non erubui- 
$ant 

MASS, 

In the Romish Church, is a succession of magical 
ceremonies, of prayers in good Latin, of juggling 
tricks, with a silver or golden goblet, that only a 
priest has the right to go through. The ceremony of 
Mass serves to remind God of the death of his 
beloved son, a circumstance that does as much honor 
to his tenderness as to his justice. 

MATINS. 
Prayers chanted in the Romish Church in the mid- 
dle of the night to prevent our Eternal Father, who 
is subject to snoring, from falling asleep over the 
needs and wants of his creatures. 

MEDITATION. 
A pious Christian has nothing better to do in this 
world than to give himself up to the ceaseless medi- 
tation of the mysteries of his religion, a task that 
may amuse him for a very long time, especially if 
he tries to understand anything about them. 



•§ POCKBT THBOLOOT. 

]iIELCHISEDEK 
A priest who never had either father or mother. 
He was the figure or the model of the Christian 
priest who detaches himself from all the ties of blood 
to attach himself to uhe Church. A priest should 
forsake his father, and his mother, and his country 
when he enrolls himself beneath the saored ban- 
ner of the Church. 

MENDICANTS. 

Friars who have vowed to God to possess nothing 
of their own, and to live at the expense of those who 
have something of their own. There cannot be too 
many of these in any state ; the poor are the friends 
of God, and have at least for others a credit which 
they do not use for themselves. 

MERCENARIES. 
Folks who do nothiDg. The priests of the Lord 
are not mercenaries ; they frighten us for nothing, 
they quarrel among themselves for nothing, they 
persecute us for nothing, they trouble us and divide 
society for nothing, looking to God alone for the 
reward of their labors, provided, however, the com- 
munity gees bail for him, or pays them in advance. 

MERCY. 

The distinctive attribute of the God of the Chris- 
tians, but assuredly not of his priests, who merciless- 
ly burn and roast in this world and in the next who- 
ever has not the advantage of being agreeable to 
tliem. Nevertheless, our bishops give proof of mercy 
in their mandamuses. It is by the help of divine 
mercy that they hold the bishoprics granted to them 
by kings at their most pressing solicitation. 



POCKET THBOLOOY. ST 

MESSIAH. 
The liberator of the people of Israel. The latter 
had not the wit to recognize him as such beneath his 
assumed disguise of a working carpenter, who was 
not even so much as able to save himself from the 
gallows, but who in compensation saved all who be- 
lieved in him from sin and death. It is needless to 
add that since Christ's expiation not one single 
Christian has been known either to sin or die. 

METAPHYSICS. 

A most important and sublime science, by the 
help of which a man is enabled to arrive at a thor-ngh 
knowledge of things of which his senses will not permit 
him to form an idea. All Christians are profound 
metaphysicians. Any pious prude will explain to 
you with imperturbable coolness what is the nature of 
a pure spirit, of an immaterial soul, and the grace 
that sufficeth to itself. 

MILITANT. 

An epithet most fitting to the Church. So long as 
she is on the earth, so long must she cause men to 
wrestle with and fight against one another, to gain 
the guerdon thrown to them by the spectators, who 
are diverted by the strife ; so long will she get up 
military executions for the extermination of those not 
diverted by the show, and who refuse to pay accord- 
ingly. 

MIRACLES. 

Works that are supernatural, that is to say, con- 
trary to the wise laws prescribed by the immutable 
Divinity to nature. With faith we can work as 
many miracles as we like; when faith declines, adieu 



8S POCKBT THBOLOGT. 

to miracles, and nature is once more left to her own 
devices. 

MISSIONARIES. 

A sacred order of recruiting sergeants, who, at 
tke risk of being whipped, roasted, and devoured, go 
to the far-off lands to recruit souls in the cause of 
God, martyrs in the cause of the Church, and treas- 
ures for the prosperity of convents and monasteries. 
By the help of strong waters and the blaze of fire- 
arms, our missions have hitherto proved pretty gen- 
erally successful. 

MOLINISTS. 

People who, on the question of divine grace, have 
a system opposed to that of the Jansenists. The 
court, quite adept in questions of theology, has ever 
shown a sneaking kindness for the system of Molina, 
which it has thoroughly examined. As for the 
clergy, it is usually on the side of those who hold 
the best of fat livings. The latter is never contra- 
dicted except by here and there a lousy fellow who 
is debarred from any share in the sacred pie. 

MONEY. 

A source of crime from which the association of 
priests should endeavor to the utmost to relieve the 
faithful, to the end that these may walk with a 
lighter and less measured tread in the paths of sal- 
vation. Jesus Christ forbade his disciples to accept 
money, but the Church has since changed all that. 
In these our days, no money no priest; and, after 
all, this is but in obedience to the command con- 
tained in the book of Levites (xxvii^ 5, IS), " And 
ife^ ^Timt shall eount his laoiiej." 



POOKXT THSOLOaT, 89 

MONKS (or Friars) 

Are regularly ordained priests, that is to say, 
enrolled. They are clothed in white, grey, brown, 
and black, according to the uniform of their respect- 
ive orders. Some wear their beard and some shave 
it off. These men are evidently useful to society, 
and have consequently the right of levying taxes 
thereon whenever and wherever they will. Monks 
and friars are the chief supporters of the Romish 
Church. Nations who have not yet entered upon 
the enjoyment of this useful commodity are affluent 
and wealthy, and consequently will be damned. 

MOON. 

A place where, it is popularly believed, is to be 
found everything that is lost here below. If there 
be any truth in this, there is still hope that Chris- 
tians may once more recover their wits and the fund 
they have given to their priest. In the meantime 
the moon has a notable influence over Christians, as 
likewise over the Church of Christ, which is rather 
crotchety and flighty. 

MORALITY (Christian) 
Is much more excellent than the worldly morality 
proper to philosophers, and which is the opposite. 
It consists of many prayers, much devotion, belief^ 
zeal, gloom, malice, and idleness. Fi'of ane morality 
on the contrary, prescribes us to be just, laborious, 
indulgent, and benevolent. Hence we must conclude 
that the Christian religion gives no scope for mortl- 
ity here below. 

MOSES. 

A prophet inspired of God who gave to hini a 
holy and righteous law, which he was obliged to 



•0 POCKET THBOLOGT. 

change later on, seeing that it had become worth- 
less. Moses conversed familiarly with the back side 
of God. He was the meekest of men, as he himself 
tells us. Nevertheless he caused some thousands of 
the Israelites to be slaughtered, but he did this as a 
figure of the Church, who, though, as it is well known, 
the tenderest of mothers, now and again playg 
fierce and bloody tricks on her beloved children. 

MORTIFICATIONS 
Numerous ingenious inventions imagined by pious 
Christians to kill themselves slowly or render life in- 
supportable. It is plain that the God of all goodneas 
has endowed us with life and health only that we 
may have the honor and glory of slowly destroying 
both. We may not kiU ourselves at on« blow, for 
that would cut short the pleasure the Godhead takes 
in our sufferings, and prevent these sufferings from 
lasting long enough. 

MUSTARD. 

A most precious commodity and very scarce in 

religion. Scripture tells us that a portion of faith 

not bigger than a grain of mustard-seed would suffice 

to move mountains. The Pope has for his part such 

a large quantity of mustard that a man is attached 

to his service to carry it for him ; it is he who is 

designated as "The Mustard-Pot-in-Chief of the 

Pope." 

MYSTERIES. 

Things we do not understand, but which we are 
bound to believe, nevertheless, which is very easy to 
do with the help of faith. God in his mercy, dis- 
gusted with the ignorance of mankind, came down 
to instruct them himself; he descended from ki« 



POCKET THEOLOOT. 01 

throne expressly to teach them that they shonld 
comprehend nothing of his teachings. Whenever 
you find in religious matters anything that puzzles 
the priests themselves to explain, anything in direct 
opposition to common sense, then content yourself 
that that is a mystery, a secret of the Church. 

MYSTIC SENSE 
Is a sense that no one can understand, or which 
renders the thing explained more obscure than it 
was before. Whenever a theologian meets with 
anything in the word of God quite the opposite of 
common sense, then he should seek for its mystic 
sense ; and faith demands that you think he is right, 
though neither you nor he either understand the 
thing explained or the explanation that is given 
of it. 

NATURE 

Is the work of a God, wise, all-powerful, and perfect; 
nevertheless, nature has become corrupt. God has 
willed it so, doubtless to have an opportunity, now 
of diverting himself, now of getting mad. His bile 
is out of order, and if the management of his works 
were of too facile government, both he and the the- 
ologians would feel time ha'hg heavy on their hands. 

NEIGHBOR. 

A Christian should love his neighbor as himself. 
Now, a devout Christian is bound to hate himself 
and make his neighbor as wroth as possible, so as to 
gain the kingdom of heaven at his expense. 

NOTHINGNESS. 

All opinions agree in this, that nothingness is that 
which we cannot affirm, or that which has none of 



9S POOXXT TBXOLOOtV 

the faoultiee we are able to judge of. "Such being 
the case, your Reverence, what is a spiritual being ? 
What is a substance immaterial, or void of dimen- 
sion, and color, and form ? What is an angel ? 

What is a devil ? What is a " " Stop, stop I my 

good man; these and such like are mysteries whioh 
it is given to neither you nor me to understand.'' 

OBEDIENCE. 
It is better to obey God than man. Now, to obey 
Gk)d is to obey the clergy ; whence it follows that a 
good Christian should obey his prince only in pro« 
portion as the wishes or demands of the prince b« 
approved by the clergy. 

OBSCURITY. 

Portions of the Bible are sometimes obscure, and 
the same may be said of the holy religion revealed 
by God himself. Persons of weak faith are scandal- 
ized at this, but the devout bow down in silent 
adoration before any or everything that they cannot 
comprehend. A plain, simple, comprehensible relig- 
ion would be but short lived ; our holy interpreters 
would have nothing to tell us had the Godhead ex- 
pressed himself clearly and plainly. 

ODOR OF SANCTITT. 
The saints of the Lord are not as a rale sweet- 
smelling personages, but the odor exhaled from a 
capuchin friar, especially after his death, is more 
delightful to pious olfactories than the most exqui- 
site perfumes to the noses of the godless. 

OFFENSIVE. 
Any proposition that does not sound well in cleri- 
cal ears merits this qualification. For instance^ it is 



POCILBT THSOLOGT. •« 

offensive to say that priests shonld not be paid in 
hard cash for the purely spiritual oommodities they 

trade in. 

OFFENSES. 

The all-powerful God, though in the enjoyment of 
an unchangeable felicity, nevertheless, to oblige his 
clergy, allows this felicity to be constantly troubled, 
and gets angry continually with the thoughts, words, 
and actions of his creatures. If God did not grow 
wroth from time to time, then good-bye to the cleri- 
cal cash-box, and M. de St. Julian might as well shut 
up shop. 

OFFERINGS. 

The God of the universe can need nothing; a pure 
spirit can eat but little, and that little, of necessity, 
of a purely spiritual nature. His priests, however, 
are not pure spirits, and he requires that they shall 
receive fat offerings ; it is to this end solely that he 
showers his blessings over the face of the earth. 

OMNISCIENCE. 
A quality exclusively suitable to God. Neverthe- 
less, he affects to ignore what we are going to do, 
or that we are free in our actions. The Godhead 
communicates his omniscience to his priests. A 
theologian knows everything and cannot be taken at 
a disadvantage, especially with regard to things that 
are incomprehensible to any one else. 

ORACLES. 

Answers of obscure and ambiguous meaning ren- 
dered in former times by the Devil, who is the Fath- 
er of Lies, through the organs of pagan priests, a 
band of the most detestable rogues. These lying 
•raoleg haT« aMMed liiiM tk« advent of Jesus, from 



M POOKBT THEOLOGY. 

which period onr oracles have invariably been ren- 
dered in the simplest, plainest, and most concise lan- 
guage. 

ORATIONS (Funeral). 

Discourses in the honor of the great ones of the 
earth, who are invariably, as we all know, very won- 
derful personages after their death. The makers of 
funeral orations cannot lie, seeing that they speak 
from the seat of ail truth. 

ORDER OF THE UNIVERSE 

Is the marvelous arrangement and working of Na- 
ture as seen by those who look at her through the 
spectacles of Faith, which have the virtue of hiding 
from the eyes of those who wear them the disorders 
that exist in the universe. Through these glasses 
can be seen neither disease, nor crime, nor wars, nor 
earthquakes, nor intolerant theologians : all is in 
first-rato order when our sacrificers have well dined, 
and wliosoever troubles their digestion is a disturber 
of public order. 

ORDERS (Holy). 
One of the most useful ornaments to the church, 
and which, without effort, increases and multiplies 
the tribe of Levi, so essential to the salvation of our 
souls. In the Romish and Anglican churches a 
bishop alone has the right of conferring this precious 
sacrament. By imposing his sacred paws on the 
skull of a profane one he causes to descend in a per- 
pendicular line from heaven all the gifts of the Holy 
Ghost, especially the right of imposing on others, 

ORDERS (Monastic). 
Divers regiments of monks and friars wko serve 
M volunteers in the army of God. They are in 



POOKBT THBOLOGT. 95 

receipt of material pay from the community to pro- 
tect them spiritually from the spiritual attacks of 
Buch spirits, and to bring down spiritual graces on 
their souls, which the bodies of the monks derive 
profit from likewise. 

ORIGINAL SIN. 
A frolic which was enacted some seven thousand 
years ago, and caused a vast deal of commotion and 
disturbance both in heaven and earth. Every man, 
before he is born, takes part in this sin, through 
which men die and commit sin. The Son of God 
himself came down on earth to expiate this sin, but 
in Fpite of his efforts, and those of his Father, the 
stain still exists and will exist eternally. 

ORTHODOX. 

Such are the opinions of those who are ia the 
right, who are not heretics, and who have princes, and 
armies, and the hangman on their side. Orthodoxy, 
like the barometer, is apt to vary in Christian states, 
where it is always regulated by the sort of weather 
that prevails at court. 

PAPISTS. 

A derisive epithet applied by Protestants to Cath- 
olies, the latter being docile Christians who give 
allegiance to the pope as vice-God here below, and 
who have not, like the former, sufficient strength of 
mind to submit their intellect only to a preacher of 
Geneva, or a Presbyterian minister, or a D.D. of Ox- 
ford. For the rest, no one will dispute the fact 
that a Christian of whatever denomination or sect 
he be, has the andoubtcd right to laugh at another 
Christian. 



N POCKET THEOLOGY. 

PABABLES. 

Apologaes or indirect ways of expressing faoU 
much affected by the Godhead in holy writ, doubt* 
less for fear he should speak too plainly to th« 
favored he wishes to instruct. 

PARADISE. 

A place of delights, situated according to some in 
unknown austral regions, and, according to others, 
in the empyrean. The elect shall there, to all eter- 
nity, enjoy the pleasures of singing church music. 
Many persons have but a very slight desire to join 
these music parties, both through the fear of being 
ultimately bored by them and of finding themselves 
in very doubtful company. 

PARROTS 
Are considered by the Church as very useful ani- 
mals, who, without understanding, nevertheless learn 
and faithfully repeat all that they are taught. (Sm 
Catechism, Christians, Education.) 

PARTY-SPIRIT. 

In matters of religion this spirit essentiallj 
enables us to come to a wise judgment of things ; it 
cannot be doubted that the side we have chosen to 
be on, or that our priests have chosen we shall be on, 
is the best of any. 

PASSIONS. 

Movements essential to the preservation of man 
and inherent to his nature, since that nature became 
corrupt through original sin. Had it not been for 
Chat memorable /at^ pas, we should have been like 
g^fcocks and stones, and consequently in the enjoy- 
ment of perfect felicity. A good Christian should 



POCKBT THBOLOGT. 07 

have no other passions than those his priests inspire 
him with, 

PASSION OF JESUS CHRIST. 

A lamentable tale of a God who was benevolent 
enough to let himself be whipped and crucified for 
the redemption of the human race. When on a cer- 
tain day of the year (Good Friday) this story is told 
in all its details to the women and other devout per- 
sons of the community, they mourn, and groan and 
lament for having been so redeemed. 

PASTORS. 
Those who have the charge of leading the flock 
of the Lord to graze. They have undertaken such 
charge through pure charity, only reserving to them- 
selves the right of fleecing the flock and of sending 
to the slaughterhouse those among them whose fleece 
has not proved sufficiently abundant. Princes are 
the dogs of these shepherds of souls, and at their bid- 
ding bite with a sharpened tooth all sheep who stray 
or wiU not let themselves be shorn. 

PATIENCE. 

A moral and Christian virtue which consists in 
supporting the ills we cannot or dare not avoid. God 
has specially charged the clergy to exercise the 
patience of princes, who are, as a rule, willful and 
hot-headed. 

PATRONS 

Are the household or tutekry gods of the Chris- 
tianf^. They are specially interested in all who are 
named after them, St. John is the protector of all 
other Johns m the world, for instance. In like man- 
ner, animals, diseases, and calamities have their 



98 POCKET THEOLOar. 

patrons, St. Rock having in his department the 
plague, St. Anthony the pigs, and St. Joseph tht 
cuckolds and other horned cattle. 

PEACE. 

The God of the Christians is called indifferently 
the God of peace and the God of armies. This 
contradiction is but apparent, however. God him- 
self is a peaceable God, but his spouse is not by any 
means so peaceable as he. It is to keep her in a 
good temper that he sends his armies forth and sets 
Christians to fighting with each other. He must 
make war without to be able to maintain peace 
within. The Church is at rest only when she has 
everything her own way, or is able, without let or 
hindrance, to trouble the tranquillity of others. 

PENITENCE, 

According to the Romish Church, is a sacrament 
which consists in accusing ourselves of the sins we 
have committed and showing a hearty sorrow for 
such commission. In all the religions of the world 
penitence is practiced ; in other words, men volun- 
tarily inflict suffering on themselves to gladden the 
heart of the Godhead. 

PENTECOST. 
A solemn feast celebrated by the Church in com- 
memoration of the descent of the Holy Spirit, under 
the figure of fiery tongues, on the heads of the Apos- 
tles, the Disciples, and certain holy females, who 
immediately began to wag them like so many bum- 
mers and magpies. As a consequence of this event, 
the successors of these holy men and women have 
undoubtedly acquired the right to prate to their 



POCKET THSOLOQT. 9f 

hearts* oootent, and even to set tht world on fire 

with their prating. 

PEOPLE (the) 

Are the pillars of the Church, her consolation in her 
afflictions, and the upholders of her power. The 
people are, as it is well known, profound theologians, 
and it is for them alone that the Church builds up 
her dogmas ; those approved by the people cannot 
fail to be sound. The voice of the people is the 
voice of God. In effect, God could hardly refuse 
the people anything they earnestly desired or any- 
thing that the priests earnestly desire they should 
earnestly desire. 

PERSECUTIONS. 
Sure and loving means employed by the Church 
to bring back to her bosom those who have strayed, 
and render herself more lovely in their eyes. The 
Church herself has frequently suffered persecution, 
but always wrongfully so ; while the persecutions 
she inflicts on others are ever lawful and holy. To 
have the right to persecute, one should be in the 
right one's self, and it suffices to be in the right not 
to be in the wrong. The Church is never in the 
wrong, but above all is she not so when she has 
force on her side to prove that she is in the right. 

PETER. 
A poor fisherman, and not over-smart. He made 
a handsome fortune, however, and became prince of 
the Apostles, owing to the fact that his name gave 
his Lord an opportunity to unbend his mind by 
making a pun on it, which pun ultimately furnished 
the foundation for the kitchen of our Holy Father 
the Pope. 



XOO POCKET THEOLOGY. 

PHILOSOPHERS 

Are tKe avowed friends of wisdom and of common 
sense, or, in other words, knaves, thieves, jail-birds, 
blasphemers, detestable in the eyes of the Church, 
and deserving of nothing from society at large but 
the pillory and the stake. These rascals have the 
impudence to warn the people that while looking up 
to heaven, as they are told to do, the strings of their 
purses are being cut here below. 

PHYSICAL PREMONITION 

Is a warning impulse by which, according to M. 
Boursier, God disposes man, before he acts, to act 
in a way at once in conformity with his will and the 
free will of man, which the Godhead is not allowed 
to touch, doubtless for fear that man should have 
the merit of acting with wisdom purely through the 
agency of free will. 

PHYSICIANS. 

The priests are the physicians of souls. They 
give us the itch that we may have the pleasure of 
scratching onrselves. With regard to the medicines 
they use, they most frequently prescribe purgatives, 
cupping, and blisters. The pills they give us are 
very bitter and are rarely well gilded except for 
themselves. 

PILGRIMAGE. 

A pious practice much in favor in devout communi- 
ties, and consists principally in tramping the country 
to pay a visit and a bottle or two to some far-oflE 
saint or his nearest friends, which politeness is recip- 
rocated by said saint by granting to the pilgrim the 
graoe of getting drunk, if a man, and of giving birth 



POCKET THBOLOeT. 101 

to a little Christian nine months after said visit, if ft 
woman. 

PLATO. 

An Athenian philosopher and one of the fathera 
of the Christian Church, which should, without 
further mention, have placed him in her calendar. 
It is to him she owes a great many of her dogmas 
and articles of faith, without counting a goodly- 
number of mysteries. 

POLITICS. 

The Christian Church is the chief support and 
upholder of politics ; it is she who maintains the 
tranquillity of states, obedience to the laws, etc., etc. 
She enjoins obedience to the governors provided the 
governors show themselves submissive to her author- 
ity ; in a word, her priests are a body in the state, 
whose interests are invariably the interests of the 
state provided the state itself takes into account the 
interests of the priests. 

POMPS OF SATAN. 
Every Christian renounces these on receiving the 
sacrament of Baptism. It often happens, however, 
that he forgets his engagements on this head ; the 
priests are the only Christians that never lose sight 
of them. 

PONTIFFS. 

This word is derived from " pontifei ;" a maker 
of bridges. Our pontiffs are spiritual architects who 
construct a spiritual bridge by the aid of which 
Christians cross over into paradise — far above the 
sloughs of reason and common sense. 

POOR IN .SPIRIT (the). 
In the language of the profane, the poor in spirit 



102 POCKET THEOLOGY. 

are imbeciles and idiots ; in the language of the 
Christians, they are ultra-smart persons, who, in this 
world, simulate imbecility the more e^ectually to 
astonish the cherubim and seraphim in paradise 
with their brilliant sallies and witty mots. This is 
why the Church shows a marked preference for the 
foolish among her children and holds but of little or 
ao account the smart ones. 

POPE. 

Usually an old priest chosen by the Holy Spirit 
to be the vicar of his brother here below. This 
accounts for the high intellectual capacity that has 
ever distinguished our popes, who have never been 
known to rave, or mouth, or talk gibberish, in spite 
of what the Jansenists, and those other fellows, the 
Protestants — ^who really in this instance carry too far 
freedom of thought — may think to the contrary. 

POPULATION 
Is injurious to Christian states, where, if things were 
as they ought to be, every one should hold to celi- 
bacy. Many are called and few are chosen. The 
more numerous the population of a country, the 
greater the number of reprobates it contains. 
Therefore is it that population is always injurious 
to a state. 

POVERTY. 

In the Christian religion there is nothing but 
poverty to be seen on any side. Christ was poor, 
and was even a poor God ; the Apostles were poor 
devils ; the bishops are poor saints ; monks make 
vows of poverty ; priests make trade in very poor 
commodities, which are purchased by poor people, 
who pay a high price for them. The possessions of 



POOKBT THBOLOGT. lOS 

the clergy belong to the poor, whence it follows that 
it h most fitting and proper to despoil the poor to 
enrich the priests. 

QUACKS. 

The sincere friends of the human race, whose sole 
end and aim in life is the benefit and well-being of 
its members. There are two classes of quacks — the 
sacred and the profane. The latter are arrant 
rogues, one and all ; the former are honest 
and virtuous men who sell by permission of the king 
and his chief physician the spiritual antidotes. 
Their usual way of proceeding to cure is to make us 
first of all very sick, that we may the better appre- 
eiate the efficacy of their nostrums. 

QUAKERS 

Are the followers of an abominable sect which offers 
a most dangerous example in this, that it has hither- 
to continued to do without priests, a thing that is 
contrary to the interests of the Lord. Hence it will 
be seen that Quakers are not such cowards as those 
that are not Quakers. 

QUARRELS (theological). 

Important disputes, which, to the greater glory of 
God and the diversion of his spouse, now and again 
arise between the infallible organs of the divine 
will. Infallibility existing on both sides, agreement 
between the disputants is not always easily obtajned. 
These quarrels are useful to the Church, inasmuch 
as when people dispute on the form of a thing tney 
usually let the thing itself alone. 

It is of the utmost importance that princes and 
potentates take part in theological disputes, each 



104 POCKET THEOLOGY. 

action on their part giving much greater weight to 
such disputes, and, which is more important still, 
preventing them from ending too promptly. 

QUESTIONS (theological). 

These are of the very highest importance. It is, 
for instance, an important question to know whether 
or not Adam had a navel ; whether the apple he ate 
was a green or a ripe one ; whether it is necessary 
to believe that Toby's dog wagged his tail ; whether 
the Bull Unigenitus is an article of faith ; if 
the Son of God could have come to us under the 
form of a milch cow, etc., etc. We may likewise 
class under the head of theological questions the tor- 
tures inflicted by the Holy Inquisition on heretics 
to make them confess to crimes they never dreamed 
of. 

RABBI. 

A Hebrew word signifying master. Jesus Christ 
forbade his disciples to allow themselves to be called 
" master ;" hence it is, doubtless, that his successors 
revel in such titles as " your reverence," " your lord- 
ship," " your eminence," " your holiness," etc. 

RACA (a fool). 

It is forbidden in the Gospel to caU one's brother 
Raca; nevertheless, the clergy advise us so to call him 
if he be not of our opinion, if we have an opinion, 
or ©f the opinion of the clergy, if we have none of 
our own. 

REASON 

Is of all things in the world the most hurtful to a 
reasoning being. God only allows it to remain 
with those whom he intends to damn, and in his 



POCKET THEOLOGY. 105 

goodness takes it away from those ne intends to 
save or render useful to the Church. If reason had 
any part in religion, what then would become of 
faith ? However, it is well to listen to reason, when- 
ever by chance her promptings agree with clerical 
interests. 

REDEMPTION. 

A Christian is bound to believe that the God of 
the universe by consenting to die has redeemed man- 
kind from the slavery of sin. Nevertheless, man- 
kind goes on sinning all the same, which proves that 
the mystery of the redemption is of notable use to 
mankind. 

REFORM. 

Since the foundation of Christianity, which is, as 
we all know, the masterpiece of the divine wisdom, 
the priests have been unceasingly occupied in reform- 
ing it. The devil is ever trying to derange the divine 
machine of salvation, and up to this it would seem 
that the Holy Ghost has never yet been able to 
thoroughly repair the damages he inflicts on it. 

REFUGEES 
Heretics whom France wisely and prudently rid 
herself of, and forced into exile. She has not in- 
jured herself in the least by so doing ; pure faith 
remains with her, and that faith will suffice to 
guard her from all attempts of heretical nations 
against her. God, who is orthodox, will assuredly 
give her triumph over them. 

REFUSAL OF THE SACRAMENTS. 

Like the dog of Jean de Nivelle, the priests don*t 
•Iways go where they wanted to go. Towards the 



K)6 POCKET THEOLOGY. 

forty-eighth degree of north latitude they frequent 
\j refuse absolutely to administer the sacraments to 
those who ardently desire to partake of them when 
dying, but in compensation they endeavor to force 
those spiritual messes fairly down the throats of 
of others who haven't the least appetite for them, a 
manner of acting doubtless dictated by the profound 
wisdom that invariably characterizes the pastors of 
the Churoh. 

REGICIDE. 

A species of maternal chastisement administered 
by the Church herself to princes and potentates who 
may not happen to show her priests all the respect 
that is due to them. The profane cry out against 
regicides commanded by the Church, probably 
because those ignorant persons do not know that in 
ancient Rome parents enjoyed the right of putting 
their children to death. 

RELICS. 

Pious and devout Catholics are imbued with a 
deep veneration for certain sacred carrion, which, as 
we all know, possesses the power of operating very 
great miracles in favor of those who believe. The 
breeches of St, Paris have cured more diseases than 
the whole of the faculty of Paris. 

RELIGION. 

A system of doctrine and of conduct invented by 
God himself for the good of the priests and the sal- 
vation of our souls. There are many religions on 
the earth, but the only true religion is that of onr 
forefathers, who were much too wise to allow them- 
selves to be deceived. All other religions are but 



POCKET THEOLOGY 107 

absurd superstitions, and should be abolished if pos- 
sible. The true religion is the one we are accus- 
tomed to, or to which it might be dangerous to show 
any opposition. The religion of our princes, in par- 
ticular, is marked wkh the indelible characters of 
truth. 

REPARATION. 

We are bound to repair the injury we have done 
our neighbor, and the simplest and shortest way of 
doing this is to hand over to the priests the money 
we have stolen from our fellow-citizens. Repara- 
tion is assured when the Church is satisfied. 

REPENTANCE. 

To obtain the remission of his sins a Christian 
should feel a hearty sorrow for actions he possibly 
took great pleasure in committing. An act of con- 
trition suffices to make one's peace with God, which 
is very convenient for Christians who, in spite of 
their contrition, have no intention of mending their 
ways. 

REPROBATES. 

All those whom the God of all goodness has de- 
stined to divert him eternally by their contortions, 
cries, and groans from out the fires which he has 
prepared for them. God is a just God, and owes 
nothing to any one, and consequec^tly does too much 
honor to reprobates even by diverting himself at 
their expense, thereby showing that he is their mas- 
ter, a fact which otherwise they might be tempted 
to doubt. 

RESIDENCE. 

The pastors of the Church are held to reside in 
the midst of their respective folds, to lead them to 



108 POCKET THEOLOGY. 

green pastures. There are, however, certain bishopi 
who prefer to dwell in courts. The flock needs noth- 
ing when the shepherd is well fed. 

RESPONSE. 
To respond in theology means to reply in the 
most abusive terms, to yell, to invoke the aid of the 
secular arm against all who dispute the opinions of 
the clergy. These responses are not altogether sat* 
isf actor y, neither do they fully suffice to solve the 
difficulties in contention ; but those who have faith 
will find them unanswerable, and the unbelieving 
may think what they like on the matter. 

RESURRECTION. 

Jesus Christ rose again from the dead. We are 
assured of this by a number of very credible apos- 
tles and a few holy women, who could not have 
been deceived, without counting Jerusalem, which 
saw nothing of the circumstance. Christians be- 
lieve firmly that they in their turn will rise again, 
or in other words, that their spiritual souls will 
once more regain tbeir material bodies, and each one 
enter into possession once more of every atom of 
flesh and bone that belongs to him. 

RETREAT. 

It is salutary for pious Christians to live retired, 
and separated from the world ; this is calculated to 
make them sour, unsociable, and, above all, to heat 
and excite their brain. The society of men spoils U8, 
and is a stumbling-block in the way of our salvation 
by preventing us from giving ourselves wholly 
and entirely to the contemplation of the sacred 
truths we shall never be able to understand 



POCKET THEOLOGY. \09 

REVELATIONS. 

Manifestations of the divine will made by the 
Almighty in person to certain of his chosen crea- 
tures. The word revelation is derived from river 
(to dream, to have visions). The Godhead has re- 
vealed himself to every country on the earth, but 
the only true revelation is that of the dreamers who 
have dreamed for us. The safest thing is to believe 
&o, anyway, priests having in abhorrence any truth 
that is not their truth. 

REVOLTS. 

A spirit of pious bickering and opposition some- 
times shown by the clergy towards princes and 
rulers of nations. A Christian may lawfully rebel 
against his sovereign when the pope counsels such 
action on his part, or when it is profitable to the 
clergy; in such cases it is the sovereign who has 
rebelled against the pope, or against the clergy, in 
other words, against God himself. 

RICHES 

Are an insurmountable obstacle to salvation. Rich 
men are as a rule too fat and portly to glide with 
ease into the narrow path which leadeth to right- 
eousness. Should a rich man desire to enter on that 
path he must fast beforehand for many days, or get 
his fat melted down by the priests, who in a very 
short space of time will make him slim enough to 
obtain the object of his desire. 

RITES. 

Pious usages and venerable formulas observed by 
our venerated professors of legerdemain, and to be 



110 POOKBT THBOLOOT. 

found m «acred scrolls called rituals. Unbelievers 
Bcojff at all the rites, practices, and ceremonies of the 
Church, but she clings to such, and with reason, see- 
ing that they bring grist to the clerical mill, which, 
were it to cease grinding, then religion must die of 
starvation. 

ROMANS. 
A people renowned in other times, who, by right 
of conquest, made themselves masters of the whole 
world, and to the right of whom has succeeded the 
right divine of a priest, who, by dint of arguments, 
has conquered Europe. Those of the Christians 
who have submitted to this priest call themselves 
Roman Catholics; his legions are composed of Ca- 
puchin friars, gray friars, Franciscan friars, white 
friars, the Jesuits forming the praetorian cohorts, 
the bishops being his military tribunes, and the 
kings of Europe his purveyors and caterers as long 
as their faith holds out. 

SACERDOTAL. 

A generic title designating an order of men, who, 
having sanctified themselves, spread themselves over 
the face of the earth. Their functions are to anni- 
hilate humaii reason, to invent wonderful tales and 
fables to quarrel with and persecute all who do not 
believe them, and to ask and exact from those who 
do a very high price for their important services. 
The religions of this world are numerous and vari- 
ous, but the priesthood is the same in all places, a 
fact which doubtless goes to prove that it is of ori- 
gin divine. 

SACRAMENTS 

Are saored signs and ceremonies by the help of which 



POCKET THEOLOGY. Ill 

the miniBters of the Lord call down from heaven & 
whole cargo of spiritual graces for believers, and 
cause the purses of the laity to pass by magic from 
their profane breeches pockets into the sacred ones 
of the clergy. According to some Christians, there 
are seven sacraments, but others won't have so 
many. These latter are evidently in the wrong, for 
we cannot have too much of a good thing. 

SACRED. 

That which is not profane. As a general rule, 
everything that it suits the priests to impose on the 
credulity of the laity is sacred. The persons of 
priests, their possessions, their rights, their discus- 
sions, all these are evidently sacred things, and 
damned be he who dares to touch them. 

SACRIFICES. 

In former days, the Most High kept a very sump- 
tuous table ; men, children, oxen, sheep, and the 
firstlings of the flocks were served up to him. 
No w-a-days things have changed; his spouse has put 
him on diet, and the only dish she allows to he 
served on his table is his own son, and even him the 
priests themselves devour. The celestial pantry 
would be but in a sorry condition were it not for the 
roasts provided by the Holy Inquisition and for the 
princes of the earth making war on each other when- 
ever the clergy hint that God is very wroth on an 
empty stomach. 

SACRILEGE. 

A dreadful word invented by the priests to desig* 
nate a fearful crime which is committed by any one 
touching with a profane hand anything they, the 



112 POOKBT THSOLO«T^ 

priests, have proclaimed sacred. Anything that 
wrongs the priests wrongs God, who is a severe God, 
Hence it is evident that to take from God, who is 
the sovereign owner of heaven and earth, is a far 
more heinous crime than to take from the poor, who 
have nothing. The richer the despoiled, the greater 
the crime of the despoiler ; thus, he who robs the 
Lord shall be burnt, he who robs a rich man shall 
be hanged; but he who robs the poor shaU have 
nothing to fear. 

SAINTS 

Are heroes of a cert ain type, and very useful to peo- 
ples and nations, who, by dint of praying, fasting, 
flagellations, etc., have immortalized themselves in 
the memory of believers, and have been ranked, like 
so many onions, in the calender, principally for hav- 
ing been all their lives useless to others and a tor- 
ment to themselves. 

SANCTUARY (right of). 

In many truly Christian states the churches and 
monasteries thereof enjoy the right of affording a 
safe retreat to murderers, rogues, and thieves, to 
shield them from the rigors of the law ; a custom 
very profitable to society at large, and which must 
render the ministers of the Church very dear to the 
heart of every ruffian. 

SAMUEL. 

A very ill-tempered prophet and Jew who had but 
a very superficial knowledge of the rights of indi- 
viduals and communities. He made mincemeat of 
other nations than his own, made and unmade kings, 
his own into the bargain, but for all this was 



POCKET THBOLOGT. lit 

ratker good-Datured than otherwise when he had hii 
own way. 

SATISFACTION. 

Christ in dying satisfied his father for the sins of 
mankind. By his death men were redeemed from 
sin^ and yet God the father still claims the debt. 
Therefore we must infer that the divine justice 
requires to be paid again the debts for which she has 
already given a receipt. 

SCANDAL 

Is any action which may become to others a source 
of sin and transgression. The ministers of the 
Lord never give cause for scandal, and nothing would 
be more scandalous than to say they scandalize us. 
Only unbelievers are scandalized by the conduct of 
scandalous priests. When believers see a scandal- 
ous priest, they should pluck out their eyes, in ac- 
cordance with the words of scripture. 

SCHISMATICS, 

Relatively to Roman Catholics, are Christians 
who refuse to acknowledge the pope as the head of 
the Church, but in reality are but a pack of idiots 
who cannot see that by thus acting they expose 
themselves to have the gates of Paradise slammed in 
their faces by St. Peter, who, now the janitor of 
heaven, was nevertheless once a pope himself. 

SCHOOL. 

The arena whence our holy gladiators issue forth 
to come and do battle for and fight over the evident 
truths revealed by God himself. It is on the masses 
that the most powerful blows aimed by these 



114 POOKBT THEOLO«T. 

doughty champions at each other most generally 
fall, which is in itself a most delectable miracle. 

SLOTH 
Is a very deadly sin, which consists in neglecting the 
pious practices to the exercise of which the priests 
attach the salvation of souls. A layman should be 
active and diligent, to the end of paying the priests 
for their services, and should be ready to fight their 
battles if necessary. As for the priests, they should 
do nothing but pray, sing, and quarrel among them- 
selves when they have the capacity to do so. 

SOLOMON 
Was the wisest of kings. God himself endowed 
him with the gift of wisdom. He was accordingly 
a much greater rake than his papa, which is saying 
a great deal. From the midst of his five hundred 
wives this saint proclaimed that all is vanity. 

SON OF GOD 

Is the game thing as the son of man. The son of 
m-an is the same thing as the son of God ; his father 
arnd God his father is the same thing as his son and 
as the Holy Ghost. This language may seem rather 
confused to persons of slight faith, but pious people 
will readily understand it. 

SORBONNE. 

A royal manufactory of doctors of the Church with 
whom France is annually benefited. These doctors 
leave her sheltering arms armed cap-a-pie for the 
fight, and only require about half a score of years 
to learn all things necessary for the salvation of the 
flOTils of the peoples they are to indoctrinate. 



POCKET THEOLOGY. 11$ 

SORCERIES. 

The Holy Ghost, as we may see in the Bible, for- 
merly believed in such; likewise our forefathers for 
many centuries; but in these, our days, we accord but 
slight credence to them, and, in fact, shall very soon 
discard belief in anything. 

SPIRIT. 

Every one knows what a spirit is. It is that 
which is not matter. Whenever you are at a loss 
to comprehend how a cause acts, you have but to 
tell yourself that such cause is a spirit, and then you 
will be fully enlightened. 

STERCORANISTS. 

Certain peisons who entertain the absurd opinion 
that the consecrated bread of the Eucharist— that is 
to say, chansjed into God — is rendered to the stool 
like any other aliment. Theologians were for a 
long time divided as to the ultimate destination of 
the God contained in the Eucharist after his recep- 
tion into mortal stomachs, but have ultimately 
agreed that God alone knows what becomes of the 
Eucharist after we have received it. 

STUDY 

To a profound theologian consists in puzzling his 
brains and filling his pate with words to which nei- 
ther himself nor any one else not endowed with the 
utmost degree of divine penetration can attach the 
slightest reasonable sense. With regard to the 
laity, study consists in learning Latin and the sub- 
mission due to the priesthood. 



116 POOKBT THBOLOOT. 

smciDE. 

It is forbidden a Christian to end his days suddenly 
or to kill himself at one blow, but he may kill himself 
bit by bit, little by little, and then have nothing to 
fear. Indeed, such conduct on his part will be looked 
upon by other Christians as so edifying, so meritori- 
ous, that he may even hope to die in the odor of sanc- 
tity and even have his name in the almanac if he 
can manage to work a few miracles. 

SUPERSTITION. 

Any practice or form of religion to which we are 
not accustomed. Any worship that is not offered 
up to the true God is false and superstitious. The 
only true God is the God of our priests ; the only 
true worship is that which seems the most fitting to 
them, and to which they have accustomed us from 
our earliest childhood ; and other worship is clearly 
superstitious, false, and even ridiculous. 

SWEETNESS (Evangelical) 

Consists in inculcating faith by dint of abuse, 
threats, and tortures. It is by the aid of such 
" sweetmeats " as these that the Church causes her 
children to swallow the pill of faith. 

SWORD. 

Jesus Christ, for the greater good of the human 
race, came with the sword ; the Church, who is sub- 
ject to losing her temper now and again, has two 
swords in her arsenal, the spiritual sword and the 
temporal sword, the first of which kills the soul, the 
last the body. With these she brings people to 
their senses. Besides these two swords, she hag in 



POCKET THEOLOGY. HY 

her possession a very small cutlass, but this she 
hides with care, for fear it should be taken from her, 
and only uses it on great and important emergen- 
cies. (See regicide.) 

TE DEUM. 

A hymn of jubilation that is sung in Christian 
churches every time that a Christian prince has 
enjoyed the advantage of slaughtering hosts of his 
fellow-Christians and of causing to be slaughtered 
hosts of his Christian subjects. 

TEMPTATION. 

The Most High once in a while subjects men to 
temptation to enjoy the pleasure of punishing them 
afterwards if they are idiots enough to fall into the 
snare. However, he usually gets the devil to tempt 
them, who has no other earthly function than to 
scoff at him and pervert and debauch his servanla. 
Hence we see that the Most High, in his inscrutable 
decrees, diverts himself by playing tricks on him- 
self. 

TEMPORAL. 

That which is not eternal. Temporal power, 
existing for but a time, should be subordinated to 
spiritual power, which has no end. In the hands of 
the latter the former becomes likewise spiritual, 
eternal, and divine, and if the ministers of the 
church show such ardent zeal in its defense it is 
because they have given themselves to God, who is 
a pure spirit, but who, nevertheless, has an eye to 
the temporal blessings of this world, without which 
his spiritual ministers could not subsist. 



lit POOKBT THEOLOttT, 

TESPAMENT. 

The immutable God has made two in his life, tAe 
one called the Old and the other the New Testa- 
ment. The Church holds to the former, but in so 
far as her hereditary interests are concerned, has 
adopted the latter in its entirety, its language being 
so precise and unequivocal that no possible dispute 
can arise among those who are called to the inher- 
itance it promises. In the dark ages, that is to say, 
when the faith was lively and held its own, the 
testaments of laymen were declared null and void 
unless they bequeathed to the Church such a por- 
tion of their worldy goods as to fully satisfy her. 

TESTIMONY. 

In the ordinary affairs of life, a person bearing 
testimony or acting as a witness is expected to be 
enlightened, sensible, and disinterested. In relig- 
ion, those on the word of whom we are required to 
believe incredible things are pious ignoramuses, 
fanatical prophets and martyrs, priests who live 
on the fat of the land by bearing testimony to the 
fine things that we wot not of and yet we believe 
them. 

THEOCRACY. 

A beautiful form of government, invented by 
Moses for the convenience of the tribe of Levi, and 
in which God alone is the sovereign, and conse- 
quently his beloved priests are the masters of the 
bodies and souls of men. This divine government 
should subsist in all places, but especially in Chris- 
tian lands, whose princes should be but the valets of 
the clergy. 



POCKET THSOLO«T. lit 

THEOLOGY. 

A science profound, supernatural, and divine, 
which teaches us to reason on that which we don't 
understand and to get our ideas mixed up on that 
which we do. Thus it is evident that theology if 
the noblest and most valuable science there is, all 
the others confining themselves to known and con* 
sequently despicable objects. Without theology 
empires could not subsist, the church would perish, 
and the nations would not know what to think 
about wars, gratuitous predestination, and the bull 
Unigenitus, concerning which last it is of vital im- 
portance that people have the most precise conoep« 
tion. 

THESIS. 

In theology the term thesis is applied to grave, 
solemn disputations in public, in the course of 
which young theologians are in the habit of bruis- 
ing each other's heads to the sole end of demon- 
strating the saving eflBlcacy of their salve, or, in 
other words, of faith. With the. Christians the 
thesis has taken the place of the Olympian games 
with the Greeks, the Exercises with the Romans, and 
the Conferences with the philosophers, who were H^t 
pagans and ignoramuses in matters of theology. 

THOUGHTS. 

God is grievously offended by the voluntary move 
ments of the brain of man, and especially so if those 
movements are not directed by the clergy. The 
Almighty will assuredly damn all who do not think 
with the priests, who possess the exclusive right of 
thinking for others. Hence it is that the clergy are 



130 POCKBT THBOLOar. 

BO particular about the consciences of believers f#r 
fear that objectionable ideas should somehow %r 
other get smuggled into their heads. 

TIARA. 

The tiara is a triple crown, which, for the pleni* 
tude of his power in heaven, on earth, and in purga- 
tory, his holiness the pope has a right to wear. 

TIME. 

Time, which is so precious in the estimation of 
the profane, is of no account in the eyes of the 
Church. Her holy ministers lay it on us as a duty 
to lose as much time as possible in pious practices 
and pastimes. In effect, what is time compared to 
eternity f 

TOLERANCE. 

A most impious system, and contrary to the views 
of the clergy. It can only be practiced by those 
Christians whose Uck of zeal leads them to betray 
the interests of the Church, by allowing every one 
to thick in his Ovvu way on certain questions ; and 
especially on Buch questions as no one can under- 
stand. The Cburch knows her own interents better 
than any one else, and has never countenanced toler- 
arflf^e. Sects have ever detested each other, persecut- 
ed each other, and exterminated each other ; and w« 
have reason to hope they will go on in this way till 
the end of the world, if tho Christian religion hold? 
out till then. 

TONSURE. 

A sacred operation performed on the hair of a 
layman who is desirous of enrolling himself in i}xe 



FOCIOBT THB0LO«T. - 121 

ranks of the clergy, or in other words, who is desir- 
ous of living at the expense of others. This pre- 
liminary ceremony is intended to teach him who 
has been tonsured that his principal functions thence- 
forward will be to fleece his fellow-citizens, if the 
grace of God provides him with a good pair of 
icissors. 

TRADITION. 

Tradition, in theology, is the word of God, re- 
ceived by pious, enlightened men, and handed down 
and transmitted to the Christians of the present 
time intact, and without any alteration whatever. 
As we see, tradition has been miraculously preserved. 
As a rule, nren add to or detract from the things 
they hear and see, but such was not the case with 
the apostles, and our priests are too honest to alter 
or impair it. 

TRANSUBSTANTIATIOK 

According to the doctrines of the Christians, the 
God of the universe is obliging enough to change 
himself into a morsel of bread whenever a priest 
requests him to do so. 

ULTRAMONTANES 

Are all who live beyond the mountains. The Jan- 
senists pretend that it would be a delectable thing 
if they would be sent over the bridges, a " consum- 
mation devoutly t© be wished " for by the Italians. 

TRINITY. 

An ineffable mystery adopted by Christians, who 
received it from the divine Plat© ; it is a funda- 
mental article of our holy religion. With the help 



m POCKST THSOLOaT. 

of this mystery, one God makes three Gods and three 
Gods make but one. The dogma of the Trinity can 
alone seem absurd to people who do not understand 
Plato. This father of the Church conceived three 
manners of considering the Divinity ; of his power 
our holy doctors have made a Father with a venera- 
ble beard ; of his reason they have made a son, 
emanating from this father, and hanged to stay his 
wrath and vengeance ; of his goodness they have 
made a Holy Ghost, transformed into a pigeon; such 
is this mystery, and nothing more. 

UNIVERSITIES 

Are very useful establishments for the elergy, an41 
are wisely confided to the care of its members, who 
zealously endeavor to raise up and fashion within 
their precincts any number of pious citizens, very 
devout, very zealous, very poor in spirits, very use- 
less to society at large, but very helpful and useful 
to the clergy. 

UNIGENITCJS. 

A word with which begins a most interesting bull 
from the pope, and which for upwards of fifty years 
has kept France on the broad grin, without count- 
ing other results, such as an enormous increase in 
the paper trade, the distribution of two hundred 
thousand lettres-de'Cachety the rendering of a million 
mandamuses, and the writing of some very fine 
essays for the edification of the fish-women, and to 
give fuller exercise to the pious cackling of the court 
devotees. 



rOCKET THEOLO0T. 19% 

UNITY. 

Every Christian should firmly believe that there is 
but one God. Were it not for divine revelation we 
should never have thought of this. In the mean 
timt , t very Christian is bound to worship three Gods 
who unjustly enjoy the sovereign divinity. Thus, 
according to the algebraic equations of our theolo- 
gians, one is equal to three and three are equal to 
one. He who fails to perceive the exactitude of this 
arithmetic is of a surety wanting in faith and 
deiserves to be damned. 

UNITY OF THE CHURCH. 

As God is one, the Church is one. We cannot 
doubt of this when we consider the entire unity of 
dogmas, sentiments, and opinions that has ever 
existed in the midst of Christians from the very 
foundation of the Christian religion. This unity 
assuredly bears the impress of the finger of God. 

USURY. 

God has promised the Jews that they should enjoy 
the pratice of usury as well as that of thieving, but 
the Christians; that is to say, Christian laymen, are 
forbidden both, their clergy alone having the right 
to trade in usury, and even to draw big dividends 
from shares they never paid for. 

USURPATION (Ecclesiastical). 

There are persons wanting in faith who assert 
that the Church has more than once exercised rights 
that are not hevn; had they faith, they would under- 
stand that the Church cannot usury, seeing that she 
ezeroises the rights of her spouse, whose rights are 



124 POCKET THBOLOGT. 

unlimited. The true usurper is he who hinders the 
Church from usurping those powers and rights 
which the laity is incapable of using without abas* 
ing. 

VANITY. 

Outside of theology all is vanity in this world, 
and it is only in the next that we shall enjoy any- 
thing stable or solid. There it will be given us to 
judge of the solidity of the edifices raised up by our 
priests, though even here below their culinary 
department seems to be built on a pretty solid 
foundation. 

VAMPIRE (The) 

Is a dead body which sucks the blood of a liriBg 
one. Strong-minded people may perhaps scoff at 
the idea of such a marvel, but they have only t# 
open their eyes and they will assuredly behold the 
sight of a dead body sucking the blood of the living 
body of the human society. (See monks, priests, 
clergy.) 

VASES. 

All men are vases, even as St. Paul saith. Some 
are of fine porcelain, of the ornamental kind, which 
God delighteth to place on the mantels and other 
parts of his dwelling to adorn and beautify it, while 
others are vases of the vilest potter's earth, which 
he is everlastingly scrubbing and scouring after 
having himself soiled them. 

VENGEANCE. 

The God of the universe, according to the Bible, 
is vindictive, revengeful; therefore his ministers are 



POCKET THXOLO«T. 12S 

bonnd to imitate him and enter into his riews. The 
God of vengeance would be very wroth if his minis- 
ters failed to avenge him, and he is always avenged 
when his priests are. 

VIATICUM. 

When a Catholic Christian is about to take a long 
j^uurney, the church, like the good mother she is, 
gets him ready for the road, and, for fear his soul 
should faint by the way, garnishes his stomach with 
a wafer, a light and wholesome species of nourish- 
ment and quite sufficient for a soul on its travels. 

VIRTUES (Moral) 

Are only useful to human society, but are of no use 
whatever to the clergy. Thus they are but negative 
virtues, but may have some good in them if joined 
to evangelical virtues or to those called theological 
virtues. 

VIRGIN (The) 

Is the mother of il^ie Son of God and the mother-in- 
law of the Church. She was spiritually overshadowed 
by God the Father, who, being but a pure spirit, did 
not, of course, eonsummate the marriage. 

VISION. 

A species of magic lanitra which the eternal 
Father has from the beginning been in the habit of 
exhibiting to his saints, his prophets, and his favor- 
ites of one and the other sex. Women, madmen, 
and rogues are the persons whom t^id Divinity in 
preference favors in this wise. 



I^d POCKET THBOLOQT. 

VISION (Beatific). 

All those who in this life carefully shut their ejen 
at the eminent risk of their noses and shins and 
other portions of their corporal being, shall, in the 
life to come, enjoy such clear and piercing vision aa 
to contemplate, face to face and without winking, 
the splendors of the Spirit that fills the uijiyerse. 

VISIBILITY 

Is a character of the true church, which should be 
visible, and which sometimes renders her palpable, 
especially when she gets on the high horse; then all 
other churches hide themselves and become invisible. 

VOCATION. 

An inward and irrepressible voice of the divinity 
which calls on a boy or a girl of fifteen years to im- 
imprison himself or herself in a convent and to 
renounce all that is pleasant and agreeable for the 
remainder of his or her life. A vocation for the 
ecclesiastical state is a holy desire for benefices 
inspired by God himself in the hearts of younger 
sons and others who find themselves impelled by an 
unconquerable inclination to be utterly useless in 
the world and to their fellow-men. 

VULGATE. 

The Latin version of the holy scriptures, in- 
spired by the Holy Spirit, who doubtless was better 
acquainted with the Hebrew tongue than he was 
with the Latin one, for a perusal of the Vulgate 
will convince any one that the Most High does not 
speak quite such good Latin as that reprobate 
Cicero. 



POOKXT THEOBOaX. ISY 

VIRTUES (Theological), 

That is, necessary to theologians, or which have for 
object the utility of the clergy. They are Faith, 
Hope, and Charity. If these virtues, in themselves, 
are not of much utility to society at large, they are 
most useful to the priesthood. Faith delivers over 
to them those who are led on by hope, and the char- 
ity of these clothes the priests in comfortable 
raiment and gives them the wherewithal to fare 
sumptuously every day. 

VOWS (Monastic). 

Promises solemnly made to God to be useless to 
ourselves and to everybody else; to pass our lives in 
pious poverty, in holy itching and scratching, in 
holy submission to the will of a holy monk or a holy 
termagaflt, who to divert himself or herself makes 
life a hardship to those who are idiots enough to 
submit themselves to their yoke. 

WARS OF RELIGION. 

Copious and salutary blood-lettings prescribed by 
the physicians of souls for the bodies of those 
nations whom God in his goodness desires to endow 
with a pure doctrine. They have been of frequent 
practice since the foundation of the Christian faith, 
and have indeed become necessary, for otherwise 
Christians might burst with the plenitude of the 
grace that is lavished on them from above. 

WICKED. 

God is infinitely good, but it has been found 
expedient to make him more wicked and vicious than 




ISt POOKBT THBOLOaT. 

the devil himself. With a too lenient God tne 
priests would do but a sorry trade. 

WILL (Free). 

Man ia free, otherwise his priests could not damn 
him. Free will is a gift with which by special favor 
God has endowed the human race, and by the help 
of which we enjoy above all other animals the fac- 
ulty of being damned to all eternity if our free will 
be not in accord with the will of the Almighty, the 
latter in this way being enabled to enjoy the pleas- 
ure of punishing him whose will he has left free to 
thwart and anger him. 

WIND. 

A very precious commodity sold by our saored 
conjurors at a very high price to us Christians, to 
aid us to a sail in St. Peter's bark. The special 
winds dealt in by the clergy are apt to produce 
tempests and storms, according to the words of 
Holy Writ, " Thou shalt sow the wind and reap the 
whirlwind." 

WOMEN. 

Christianity, as a rule, shows but scant courtesy 
to pretty women. The old and ill-favored alone of 
the sex would seem to find favor in the eyes of the 
Lord and of his ministers. 

WORD OF GOD. 

An infallible oracle in which in every religion the 
priests of the Most High trade in his name; the God- 
head, for the rest, is good-natured enough to never 
give them the lie. "Silence gives consent," says 
the popular axiom, and accordingly it would se«m 



POCKET THEOLOGY. 120 

that God invariably consents to the wordn of the 
priests. The word of the Lord, say the Cbdatians, 
is a two-edged sword, or, in other words, a hutcher*s 
knife, which, in whatever way you handle it is sure 
to injure you. 

WORD (The) 

Is the Logos of Plato, the divine wisdem, the 
eternal reason, of which our theologians have made 
a God, or, if you will, a man. We therefore firmly 
believe that the reason of the Godhead was made 
man to enlighten mankind, and, above all, to teach 
them that the divine reason did not intend that 
they should enjoy reason en masse, but only those 
of their number who were priests. 

WORKS (Pious). 

This term is applied in general to all endowments, 
legacies, presents, foundations, etc., made in favor of 
the ministers of the Lord at the expense of families 
and relations. 

WORLD. 

To the mind of a devout Christian the world is 
the most hateful thing in the world. He withdraws 
himself from it, and shuns it, and concentrates all 
his hopes and aspirations on the world to come, and 
endows with all his worldly goods the priests, whose 
kingdom is not of this world. 

YOKE. 

The yoke of the Lord is easy and his burden is 
light. To bear it we need only a strong backbone, 
a robust pair of shoulders, and the renunciation of 



liO POOKBT THBOLOeT. 

all our worldly goods in favor of those who put It 
on as. 

ZEAL. 

A holy fever aocompanied with violent paroxysms 
and light-headedness, to which the pious of both 
86X88 are subject. It is an endemial and contagious 
disease bestowed by Christianism on the human 
race. For eighteen hundred years the Christians 
have had good cause to rejoice in the wholesome 
afflictions brought down by the Son of God and his 
priests on the human race, and which, if God the 
father and the princes of the earth do not put a stop 
to, will infallibly go on afflicting them to the eikd 
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